God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

This is sums it all up.  

Fianlly at Peace

I’m not sure if I am the only one who has ever found that a song describes exactly how you feel or is the message you needed to hear so you could take the next step in your life. Well for me I found a theme song for my life a year ago. When I was really struggling it is what gave me strength and understanding. Yes there have been other songs, but I think this one captures really my life. Let me explain. The song is I’m Movin’ On by Rascal Flatts. Along with their lyrics I will show you how it fits personal. I hope by doing this I can truly move on.


I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I have gone through my life always wondering about the decisions I have made. If I made the decisions because they were right or fear is what led me down that path. Although there are still parts that I don’t really know I know that the decisions I have made have led me to where I am today and that is where I am suppose to be. I also know that there are people who are in my life who don’t agree with who I am, the way I do things, or with what I plan to do, but truth is I am. You see I use to believe that a strong personality, being blunt, and not taking the backseat to problems was my weakness however I have found that is my strength. I am over listening to the people of my past try to cut me down. From this point on if you can’t support I’m movin’ on.

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I moved to Utah when I was nine and I do know all the faces. This doesn’t mean everyone looks the same, but they always behave the same. Intentions are always coming from the right place, so they tell me, but I can’t change to become a person I am not meant to be. You may think it will give me greater strength, but the truth is I won’t be happy unless I am me. This is why next year I will be moving from Utah. Now let me clarify that I have amazing friends in my life who encourage me to be me, but I need to leave for a time so that I can see there is nothing wrong with me. My friends and family who are really there and support me will be the part of home I carry with me.

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I can’t continue to look down on myself or constantly question everything I am because by doing that I am stunting my progression. I may get to my destination and fall hard on my rear, but I know that I am supported and loved so I will get by. I can’t hide nor do I want to fear what lies ahead for me anymore. You see I know what I am capable of becoming not only for myself, but for others and I can’t continue to let life pass me by waiting for the fear to go away. I am who I am for a reason and that reason is because I can support others in a way they need me to. So the past is gone. The hurt is healed. My future is ahead so I will stop looking back. I am who I am and I no longer afraid of the cost it brings. People will come and go in my life, but that means they are just fixtures placed in my life for a time. The people who stay in my life are my foundation that cannot be destroyed!

Call me a Bitch!

It amazes me what people feel they can say to me or about me.   I use to trust people and believe that when people said they were your friend, loved you, believed in you, etc it meant that they were truly being there for you and had you best interest at heart.  However, time and time again I find myself mistaken.  This is my last rant and last defense of who I am.  After this point I am no longer going to because there is no reason for me to.

First I am blunt.  There is nothing wrong with me being blunt.  I am not mean blunt nor do I saw things that are hurtful.  Why then do people find them hurtful?  Probably because you know that whatever I am saying has truth and the truth can suck sometimes. 

Second I am not heartless.  I actually have a really big heart.  I am there for people over and over again.  I fight for others rights.  I am supportive and I will bend over backwards to be there and do what ever is needed.

Third I am not a bitch.  This is such a bull label that people put on those with a strong personality.  I do have a very strong personality and I am not ashamed of it.  I actually really like it. With my strong personality I am able to do things others cannot. 

Fourth just because I am a strong person doesn't mean that I don't have feelings.  I do have feelings and what you say that is negative towards me does effect me.

I don't lie to you and I would appreciate the same respect.  If you can't then I understand, but don't be surprised when I stop being there.  I am not a door mat nor am I willing to be kicked.  I refuse to be a victim, apologize, change, or do what you think I should because it makes you more comfortable.  If you can't respect me, support me, and love me as I am I ask for you to walk away now because I deserve better.

Real Friendship

Yesterday I was told that the reason a person likes me is because I am real. I don’t sugar coat or try to pretend I am just real. That complement brought mixed feelings. For so long people have told me that I need to soften myself and not say everything I think or feel yet at the same time that is what others like about me, so I find myself asking which do I listen to?




I decided to listen to the voice within myself that is real. I am a real person I don’t really know how to be fake. Can I be fake? Yes, but I feel more hurt for those I am fake with because really this does no good. Being real however leads to possible heartache. In the last year I have had this reality hit in ways I wasn’t prepared for. I had numerous people claim to be my friends and love me who quickly changed their tune over various things. My point in writing this is to clarify what friendship really means.



Friendship is about accepting people as they are. The good, bad, and indifferent make up who a person is. Most people are trying to become their best selves, but that doesn’t exclude being human and making mistakes. This is where friendship takes over and allows you to be there for the person whether or not you agree with their choices or actions.



Friendship is about setting aside your personal agenda. When someone hits a rough patch and needs a shoulder you are there. It isn’t about rescuing them and fixing all their problems for them, but listening to them with out bias and judgment. Sometimes you are inspired or know what to say and other times all you can do is let them know you are there with open arms and without strings.



Friendship is about forgiveness. Sometimes people make mistakes. It is usually through these mistakes that we learn. It is in these moments of weakness that we learn to forgive others because sometime they just don’t realize what they are doing. Misunderstandings will happen in friendships, but with forgiveness misunderstandings become jokes and memories.



Friendship is about truth. How many lies do we tell in a day? For me if someone I am not good friends with nor really want to be around asks me to do something I usually come up with something “I am doing.” Really I lie because I don’t want to. In a friendship it is about being honest about ones values, ideas, opinions, etc. Even when sometimes the truth hurts we still use it because to lie to a friend is a hard thing to overcome.



Finally friendship is about being there. When you know that someone is struggling reach out. A phone call, text, fb message, email, or whatever so that person knows that hey I am aware something is up and I am here if you need me. It isn’t just about convenience, but really being there for someone in their moments of need.



Am I the perfect friend? Not always, but I try to do the best I can. Friendship is something I take seriously. This means that I strive to do what I can to make a lasting friendship, but something that I have realized in the last year is that friendship is not one sided. If it seems to be so then it isn’t a real friendship and it is best to break the strings that were attached to the friendship. I am real, I am me, and that is all I can be. If you want something more or less then it is best to let go and dissolve what you thought was a friendship.

"F***ing Perfect"

"F***ing Perfect" P!nk
"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
 
Why do I do that..?


Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me...

In a world filled with variation it continues to amaze me that we still put each other down or make people feel as though they are nothing.  This song, although there is the "F" word, is a touching, inspiring, and empowering song.  It seems as far back as I can remember that others have ripped me apart.  Always trying to tell me what flaws I have and what I needed to change.  However, something changed these last six months.  

I can still remember the exact moment when I realized I didn't know who I was.  I was asked to identify myself and I stared blankly at the sheet of paper for ten minutes.  Finally I put what came to my mind and that was filled with negative aspects that others have told me throughout the years.  I was ashamed and embarrassed to share what I wrote with others.  It was that moment that I realized that something was definitely wrong.    

This lead to the hardest few months of my life as people continued to put me down.  It was even harder as I tried to turn to people who were friends and show my true side.  This led to less friends and more tears.  I finally woke up one day and realized just who I am.  None of the crap people say or try to force on me is true.  It is their perception of who I am or who I should be that gets in the way not who I am.

The fact is I am a hearing, white, straight, female, independent/dependent, confident, open, caring, beautiful, person who is on the path to changing the world I live in.  This means sometimes I might come off brash, harsh, negative, intrusive, or overbearing, but that is just a fraction a moment of who I am.  I am getting stronger everyday in accepting myself.  I bring the variation to the world that the world needs because without me it would continue to go on believing there is only one type of perfect.  So yes P!nk swears in her song, but maybe just maybe that is what is needed to shake someone from their fog to finding themselves and accepting themselves.

Life is as it is suppose to be!

It never ceases to amaze me the obstacles we face in this life.  Times of sorrow seem to come when we have so much going on.  For me it is several different things hitting all at once that seem heavier then I can bare. 
Life mainly is going great.  School is keeping me busy, but is allowing my dreams to come true now.  Going into Social Work can be difficult, but for me it wasn't a choice.  It was more like a calling or a part of who I am.  As I am working on several projects I am seeing I can do the work.  How my personality is meant for this work. 
My health is getting better.  I have successfully lost 10 pounds which is hard for me.  My PCOS is getting better controlled, but still leaving me hurdles to cross.  So many people have told me I am fat and made it out to be something so easy to control.  For me it is more then just being lazy it is fighting with my own body to function correctly.  I feel the most beautiful now not because I am loosing weight, but because I am at peace with who I am as a whole person.
Socially things are as they are.  People come in and out of my life and I stopped expecting them to stay.  If they stay in my life I count it as an amazing blessing.  I have amazing friends who stood by me through the darkest and hardest times of my life.  Others left but I don't hate them I just accept they couldn't be.
Everyday I awake to a life I am grateful for.  I am not ashamed of the decisions I have made nor afraid to be confident although others may not agree.  I am who I am and I no longer feel the need to change.  I have some refining left, but that is what this life is for to be refined in the fire of the one who can make us into who we are suppose to be.  I can and will achieve my desires when the timing is right and for me that is the promise that carries me on.
Yes there is sorrow as I realize my greatest desires are still out of reach, but I know when the timing is right it will be more then I ever thought it would be.  I have work left to do and that is my focus because if I always look for the future I will miss the moments now that need me in them.

Change

Decisions come and go then we are left to see where life takes us.  These last few months a lot has changed in my life.  I've lost friends, postponed grad school,changed my perspective of life, and made decisions that will change my life.  Now I am about to embark on a new chapter of my life.  A little afraid, but more excited to see what lies around the corner.  I've made a few decisions that with this chapter of my life are going to be different.  I am going to laugh more, live for the moment, love with all I have, and make a difference every chance I get.

So the beginning of this chapter begins with me moving.  I am moving back to Spanish Fork with my sister and her husband.  Not the same sister that I have been living with.  I am excited to see what this brings.  I have decided that I will use this new move to start the new chapter in my life.  This will include loosing weight, finishing up my BA, applying for grad school, and whatever the Lord sees fit to put in my path.   With this blog I will mark the good times the bad, the moments that change my life and the ones that just make my life.  A new outlook and a new attitude is all I needed and this is my chance.

People will no longer dictate who I am or who I will be.  I am going to live my life and accept all that includes.  I am not going to have regrets and I am going to allow myself the chance to just live.  Life is about living and mine is about to start a new chance for me.