Goodbyes

In our lives there are times where we must say goodbye. However, I think we don't have to truly say goodbye, but say I love you and I look forward to the moment when we will reunite. My beloved Grandma died last week. It still hasn't really sunk into my reality, but I know she is gone. The experiences I have had leading up to her passing I will always cherish.

My Grandma and I had a special relationship. My Grandma was a convert to the church because of her decision to join my faith, testimony, and life have been blessed. I remember when I called and told her I was serving a mission the pride that was in her voice. She told me that I would be the first in her family to serve. She hasn't been active in years, but I could feel at that moment her love and support.

When my family and I first moved to Utah my grandma was my pen pal. She would write me letters so I would smile. What a wonderful joy it was for me to receive those letters in the mail. It wasn't until recently that I regret that I didn't carry through with that.

She use to tell me that she was going to spank me. If you knew her you knew she was to frail to carry through. So actually she would try, but it was always from fun and love.

I am addicted to little Debbies because of her. Her fridge was always filled with them. That and her candy dish always had some hard candy.

She was terrified of birds. She watched that scary movie once and from that moment on she was terrified of birds.

She once ran me over. I was walking behind her scooter when she was heading to bed and she put it in reverse and ran over me. The funniest part about it was that she got so mad at me. It didn't hurt, but it was hysterical.

I honestly say that as I look back there was never a dull or bad memory. My Grandma was amazing because she was always a part of everything. When I was eight my Fathers Mother died. I was so dis-hearted because I thought I would never have the "typical" grandparent experience, but really I had it and so much more. As I look back I remember all that I have become because of that unconditional love that she had for me.

For so long I joked about someone having to accept my family and how hard that would be, but as I have reflected this past week I have realized if they don't love my family then they are idiots. My family is amazing. I don't know if I could justly describe each of us other then being a family. There are so many differences that hold and binds us together. I feel that I was an idiot for taking advantage of that for so long.

My life is complete no matter what comes because I have experienced the greatest kind of love. It really doesn't matter that I am not married, dating, etc. what matters is that I have experienced love, laughter, tears, sorrows, trials... in all reality is that I have experienced life! In all that has occurred I have found that to be an important key. Something is always going to try us in this life. That is why we are here, but it is up to us what comes because of it.

I am going to smile because I was blessed to have amazing Grandparents, wonderful Aunts and Uncles, loving parents, caring siblings, inspiring friends, and encounters with others that have shaped me to be me! At the end of the day when all is settled and the baggage is claimed it is up to each of us to determine where we will go from there!

Ugh....

It is always interesting to analyze your own thoughts. To really get in and figure out what and why you think certain ways. Although I sometimes end up wondering more why I think that and prevent myself from thinking it because it conflicts with something else. How do you get to the point where you really know if your thoughts or feelings are true and you are not just preventing yourself from seeing another side or a different answer?

Also what happens when two perspectives don't/can't be seen by the other person? It seems more and more that it is easier to blame another then to accept the differences. Better yet why blame at all? Why can't we just get to the point where we say we understand? Ugh.. I find myself going crazy more and more! It seems the more answers I search for the more questions that I find.

Through out my life I have been blessed to see things and understand them in greater perspectives. Lately however, I find myself more frustrated and confused. It is almost like I am watching myself become someone I don't know...actually it is like I am scared of being someone other then what I think I should be. It sounds odd, but I always had thoughts of what I would be, where I would be, and who I would be with, but now things are complicated. I don't like living in complication, but it seems I put myself into it time and time again.

I think this is all hitting me tonight because I made the decision to allow myself to be free from drama. Meaning that I was going to stop living in it. I am tired of fighting for myself and with myself. I want to live, breath, and have true joy. Sometimes I yearn for it so deeply and I wonder why I won't/can't have it. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I don't understand what is stopping me now. I fought this on my mission, but I overcame. Now I am struggling again and I can't grasp the "hole" or find the "leak". Guess I have a lot of soul searching and praying to do because there is no other way I know to get an answer.

I'm Done!

As frustrated as I have ever been.
By the fact that it never ends.
You tell me one thing, but do another.
Everything from your mouth makes me wonder.

Why is it okay for you to act like that?
Go ahead and tell me I'm fat.
It doesn't matter any more.
What's that now I am a stupid whore?

Lies, deceit, and confusion
That seems to be your admonition
It's the only way for you to be
Yes pestimistic and mean

I am done you see
Theres no hold left on me
I am saying this now
It isn't worth asking how

I am standing strong on my own
Wait that's not true I am not alone
My truest friend is always here
Taking care of the burdens I bear

So now I can put my hand to the plough
Never looking back or towards the ground
I'm not afraid of being alone
Because truly I will always be
With someone who really loves me!

Another refinement!

"Your the oldest 24 year old that I have ever met!" As I sat pondering on some trials I am facing in my life this was a consistent comment made by others. Do I think that I act older then I am, maybe however I think the real question should be: Am I acting the way I am suppose to be?

Somehow I know that I am meant to be me. Refinement is still taking place every day. Today I realized that I am tired of feeling guilty and taking it up the butt and saying thank you. You see being told I was heartless made me realize that I was casting my pearls to swine. Meaning that I keep giving and giving waiting for someone anyone to recipicate, but more times then not I am left with nothing. Until now!

I am done. I don't give up, but I quit excepting others opinions or judgements of who I am. For so long I think I have allowed those keep me down from who I really am. I think I have used them as an excuse to not believe in my self, but that is over. My gosh how stupid have I been. Instead of excepting and believing the wonderful I doubt. How much clearer can my answers be? It isn't others that I am fighting it is myself.

You see if I was secure and confident in my self nothing else would matter. People could say whatever they wanted and I would be able to walk away. I would stop feeling like I have to defend myself and prove that I am a good person. There it is further refinement. I guess I am that stubborn. Father I am sorry.

I keep waiting for someone to be there, comfort me, love me, etc., but how can I expect it when I am not even doing it for myself? There it is. I am ashamed of who I am. In the since of I find that I am not as good as everyone else, but really that is so not true.

I am an amazing person. I have a wonderful love for life. I see things in a bigger perspective. I have an amazing ability to love regardless of differences or past experiences. I am somone of strong faith with a close relationship to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have a great capacity to learn and push myself when I need to. I have the power to influence others and make a difference in this life. Am I being boastful? No I am just being honest and allowing myself to see the good rather then the bad.

I am finished. I am good enough and I refuse too not allow myself to believe that. I asked for a miracle and here it is. A change of heart towards myself. Why is it easier to forgive and love another then ourselves. It's funny. I haven't ever really done anything awful, but I think I need to forgive myself for not being there for myself.

To some that might sound funny, but really I do. For so long I have been there for everyone. I love being there for others don't get me wrong, but now I need to realize I need to be there for myself first. Because if I don't have my back who will? I am grateful for my miracle. I am grateful that my Father loves me and I am grateful that He never stops refining me.

NOT GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN!!!!

Alright so I have tried to get past something for two/three days now. It hasn't really worked so I thought I was going to let it out one last time and then let go. I find it so interesting how people tell you they love you or how amazing you are before they rip you down. Haven't we evolved enough by now to know better. Obvioulsy after the experience I had not everyone has gotten the clue.

On Sunday I enjoyed dinner and conversation with some friends, or what I thought were friends, from my ward. As the coversation went on there was a change where I was forced to defend myself against the aligations presented before me. You see I was told I was brash, blunt, uncompassionate, take things personal, and pretty much that I needed to conform. Anyone who knows me knows first and far most that I am my own person. I refuse to be someone or something I'm not. I don't ask others to do that for me so I would expect the same in return. After about forty-five minutes of this I made up some excuse so I could find refuge from this storm.

After talking to a wonderful friend and my mother I was able to get past it the next morning. Well I guess I needed more trial or needed to be further tested because later that night I was told I was heartless and there was a giant black hole where my heart should be. I tried to shake it, but I can honestly say I was broken. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and casted it aside like it was nothing. After leaving what should have been a safe place I came home and sobbed. Yes me as strong as I am sobbed. For the first time in my life I felt like someone had completely and utterly destroyed my spirit and heart.

Thankfully again there were angels to rescue my heart and help me to get past it. Now that I am whole and strong again I am going to fight with my words and then walk away from this. You see if you know me then you know that I have an amazing heart. I would bend over backwards for anyone. I am not perfect as I have admitted time and time again in this blog, but I am striving the best that I can. You see we all see things in life differently. There isn't just black and white there are so many colors to choose from.

I grew up in a wonderful family. My family is diverse and has been through so much. The best part of this was that I was born to goodly parents. My parents knew how important it is to be our own individuals and to give our complete selves. I was raised to speak my mind, heart, and question what didn't seem to fit. I learned to except people for who they were and not try to change them. My sisters taught me to fight not just physically, but fight for those I love, those who can't fight for themselves, my beliefs, and most importantly fight for myself. My brother taught me when you get knocked down to jump back up and continue to be true to yourself.

Over the years I have stopped fighting for myself. Everything else I have stood strong and done. Am I perfect in all I do no, but I am working on it. That is what we are suppose to do in this life is work to be the best we can and help those along the way. I am not like alot of people and I am done apologizing for that. I am a unique chosen daughter of my Heavenly Father and I am no longer deny my great worth.

You see this didn't really break me it made me stronger because I realized how charitable, loving, and compassionate I truly am. At times I talk tough or am a little cut throat, but to some that is what I am needed to be and to others that is a sign of you've crossed a line. If you know me you know the real me, but if you don't know me then you will see me as a heartless bitch.

Well to you who don't know me and are quick to assume. You see I grew up in away that I won't be ashamed. I will fight when I need to fight and I will be who I am meant to be. If you don't like it then step off and keep your judgements to yourself. Because you see I know who ultimately judges me and you aren't Him nor are you acting like Him if you are. I am not going to change anyones opinion or am going to be liked by everyone. I'll say it again I am not perfect, but I am working on my flaws. If you love me then love me for who I am and understand I am doing the same.

To the person/people involved from the other nights. I am not mad nor do I hate you, but realize it will never be the same. All the trust or confidence I had in you is gone. Yes I love you, but right now I don't like any of you. You know who you are and I am not going to name names. I am not heartless for writing this I am just done putting up with it. You have the right to your opinions on personalities or situations, but your opinions of me should just stop.

So that is it and now I walk away.

To my angels you know who you are and I know that my Father blessed me with you in my life. Thank you for being there for me when I truly needed a friend. I know in my life I have been blessed to have amazing friends who are always there and who have touched my life for the better. My blessings are greater then any trial or struggle that I will have to face because I know that I am embraced by my Father.

Refining Time

Life has a way with changing more often then wanted. All we can do is do what we think is right. I know one day I will be held accountable for everything that I have done, said, or thought. I can't change the past and actually I wouldn't. I made mistakes and there were things that I haven't been proud of, but I have learned and repented. I refuse to go through this life with any regret.

So I know that seems a little weird to start a blog with, but I just need to vent/let go. I had to do something hard this week. I hadn't planned it or thought about it until it happened. When all factors hit me all at once I had to make a decision. In the process it upset, maybe hurt, another person. For that I am sorry, but for my decision I'm not.

I've noticed that along the process of trying to figure out my life I have lost parts of who I am. I let standards go, changed my personality, and put myself, for the most part, on the back burner. By doing this my life became harder and not my own. I've decided enough is enough and to refine(change) my life and who I am.

I love being happy. It is an amazing feeling to have true joy and peace in your life. When you are feeling guilt for feeling joy and peace something isn't right. Honestly that is what I have been feeling for a while. It didn't help that the happier I got the more it seemed to be a bother to others or where it seemed to distant me from who I once was or where I once belonged

I don't blame anyone for it. It's my life and I take complete responsibility for it. For so long however I have feared my life changing, I haven't wanted to truly let myself be happy or who I know I am, but that was then and this is now. I am going to be me. If that means that things aren't going to be the same. Then that is what will have to be.

This change isn't new. I have been being refined since my mission. Now it is just up to me to follow through on what was started. So why write this? This blog is to show the things that make me me and this is one of them. I am open and honest with how I feel and this is what I feel. It isn't me blaming or saying something about anyone. It is about me making the decision to allow the refining to be part of my life.

Truth

Ok so here is the truth. I am struggling. I am facing trials and tribulations that I pray everyday to make through. I am not perfect nor will I ever claim to be, but I am still a daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father who knows me better then anyone else. He knows my trials, pains, sorrows, weaknesses, and flaws, but He has a perfect love for me because He knows that I am trying. I am not asked to be perfect because lets face it that is impossible for me to do, but I am asked to try and endure to the end. That is all that any of us our asked to do.

I know that people think that I am tough, but sometimes no matter how tough you are or how hard you try to let things roll off it still hurts. It is okay that it hurts because I am only human. I know I choose to be offended, but I don't choose to have people say those things. I can change peoples views on me even though sometimes I try. Their judgement is made and the verdict is casted, but sometimes I wonder if it is just because I am different.

My differences are what make me me! Sarcastic, blunt, honest, hard working, loud, and any other category I fit into. I am not ashamed of who I am because I know who I am. I know what I am working on and I choose to strive to be a better person everyday. It doesn't mean that I won't mess up, but it does mean that when I do mess up I try harder. I am not saying I am better then anyone because I am not, but I will be DARNED if I am any WORSE!

I just say this because my heart is hurt. These last few weeks quite a few people have hurt it with their actions and words. I can't be the person you want or expect me to be I can only be me. It is the same as you. I can't ask you to be anything other then who you are. Does it mean that I am going to like everyone? No, but it does mean that I am going to embrace the differences and be ok. Yeah I am hurt right now, but the truth is give me a little time and I will be fine. Just remember that we are made to be different and although you can be upset with me or dislike me if you choose please just don't tear me down and I promise not to tear you down.