Decisions the heart makes

Every now and then we want to make the decisions that are hard, but we back down or flee because that is almost easier. I wonder though is it really easier? Or by doing that do we cause ourselves unnecessary sorrow? I have always ran from my feelings. It is my greatest coping mechanism. It seems the more I try the harder it becomes not to doubt my decision. I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to over come this, but I know that I have made some strides.

Last night as I sat talking to a friend I realized exactly how blessed I am and that for the first time I want to stop running. I have let more people into my life these last six months then I have in my whole lifetime. I trust and love easier. I don’t feel as if I have to be tough. With that said I have come to the conclusion my running is often starts as being tough. The eye opening minute of last night was when I realized what I was doing and what I might loose because of it, but how do I let myself be vulnerable?

Over my lifetime I have only been vulnerable to four guys. Meaning I have only let those three see the truest side of me. One was an amazing friend I grew up with. We were the oddest friends because we would go about two years without seeing each other and yet it seemed like just yesterday we were together. I always trusted his opinion and advice. He would tell me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear and he was always there to pick me up when I was down. He is now married and waiting for a wonderful baby boy to arrive.

The second served the same mission as me. No matter what else was said about me or the attitude I had he was there for me. Knowing the struggles that I was facing he didn’t try to fix them, but he helped me leave them long enough to let them go. When my heart was ripped out of my chest by someone who called me friend he was there. Without being coached or being fed up, he listened to me with love and reminded me of whom I really am. He is engaged now and waiting to be sealed for time and all eternity with the love of his life.

The third I met in my singles ward. Our personalities just seemed to mesh well with each other. He never judged my imperfections and he helped me to see for myself that I deserved better then what I was giving myself. He brought me out of my shell and helped me to make the necessary changes that I needed to better my life and those around me. Even now he brings a smile to my face because he still cares about the pain I am feeling. He is currently dating a wonderfully lucky girl.

The fourth I also met through my singles ward. When he first came to the ward I was taken back, but never thought we would be friends. Over time as I learned more about him I felt that I needed to get to know him better. He has been my Yoda as to understanding how the heart works. We talk about things that leave me thinking for days. I doubt he realizes this or how I feel, but none the less I am better because of him. This scares me. Usually I have great control over who gets to come into my heart, but for him my defenses go down and allow him to walks in. He probably has no idea this occurs or the fact that I can’t lie to him at all. Last night I almost blurted it all out. So why didn’t I? For the first time I am 100% scared that it will break my heart. With the other three I liked them, but it didn’t hurt when I realized it wasn’t meant to be. With him, it honestly would hurt. He leaves in June for a job then possibly to post grad school. This doesn’t faze me at all, but I fear like the other three he will find that special girl and it won’t be me.

I went to bed last night ready to run. I woke up this morning with my head and heart fighting. My head says run, my heart says stay. My head says keep the barriers, my heart says let him in. This decision that I have to make has great potential for happiness and sorrow yet I can’t go either way. Last night I realized something about all four of these wonderful guys…they all have a piece of my heart and no matter what always will. I am glad for the decisions I made and I am eternally happy that I can call them friends. I truly am happy that they all have been blessed to receive joy and happiness, but I am left to wonder when will it be me?

Tears

Tears are interesting. A single tear can mean so much or so little at the same time. If you are the person crying it could mean an end to one who watches it could be a beginning or vis versa. To one it could mean pain to another joy. A tear of fear or one of hope. An answer to your prayers or the cause of your prayers. It could be a sign of help or a sign to get away. The list can continue and continue and it always will because a person cries so many tears in a life time, but the question is when the moments arose and the tears you saw did you figure what you were meant to do with them?
I know a lot about tears because, more lately then ever, I have had many falling from my eyes. Sometimes they were a sign of help, others were of fear, some because my heart ached so, and others were because I finally found hope. All of them combined make up my life. Each moment where a tear was involved it meant a new chance or a time to be refined.
Right now they flow out of my eyes because of a chipped heart. Sometimes the answers to our prayers aren't really what we wanted, but that is when we must have the faith to keep on trying. One day I will be whole again and be able to look back on the tears and see them differently. For now however they are meant to say an ending to one and a new beginning to another.

Feeling more like ME!!

So the last few weeks have been struggles. Although some people tell me that I need to quit admitting this and be happy I am gonna keep being honest. Struggling does not mean that I am not happy it means that, even I the strong rock, am not constantly strong! It has been interesting to see however that even in the moments I call weak my spirit is still strong.

I also decided, well understood, that I don't need to be perfect. Yes I strive and push myself for perfection, but in this life I will not reach it. I will make mistakes and that is okay because that is what this life is for. I am dealing with aspects of my past that isn't the easiest, but I know without a doubt that now is the time. Along with these trial is the amazing blessing of friends.

For the first time in along time I actually know what it means to have true friends. Not just one or two, but numerous friends that I can count on. They remind me that I am only twenty-four not fifty-nine. It is those moments that help me get through the other trials round about me.

Along with that I remembered how much I love love. Not, well included, is true love, but I am talking about real love. The love you share towards everyone that is unconditional and enduring. The one that is selfless and caring. The one that reminds you of the love the Savior has for you. It seems that Satan tries so hard to get me to forget the power love has, but once again Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ helped me step on his head!!! I am so grateful for that aspect.

I am remembering me as who I am not what I became or who I think I should be. I am finding the me Heavenly Father wants and needs me to see. This is my greatest joy and the best Christmas gift I could recieve this year!!!

Goodbyes

In our lives there are times where we must say goodbye. However, I think we don't have to truly say goodbye, but say I love you and I look forward to the moment when we will reunite. My beloved Grandma died last week. It still hasn't really sunk into my reality, but I know she is gone. The experiences I have had leading up to her passing I will always cherish.

My Grandma and I had a special relationship. My Grandma was a convert to the church because of her decision to join my faith, testimony, and life have been blessed. I remember when I called and told her I was serving a mission the pride that was in her voice. She told me that I would be the first in her family to serve. She hasn't been active in years, but I could feel at that moment her love and support.

When my family and I first moved to Utah my grandma was my pen pal. She would write me letters so I would smile. What a wonderful joy it was for me to receive those letters in the mail. It wasn't until recently that I regret that I didn't carry through with that.

She use to tell me that she was going to spank me. If you knew her you knew she was to frail to carry through. So actually she would try, but it was always from fun and love.

I am addicted to little Debbies because of her. Her fridge was always filled with them. That and her candy dish always had some hard candy.

She was terrified of birds. She watched that scary movie once and from that moment on she was terrified of birds.

She once ran me over. I was walking behind her scooter when she was heading to bed and she put it in reverse and ran over me. The funniest part about it was that she got so mad at me. It didn't hurt, but it was hysterical.

I honestly say that as I look back there was never a dull or bad memory. My Grandma was amazing because she was always a part of everything. When I was eight my Fathers Mother died. I was so dis-hearted because I thought I would never have the "typical" grandparent experience, but really I had it and so much more. As I look back I remember all that I have become because of that unconditional love that she had for me.

For so long I joked about someone having to accept my family and how hard that would be, but as I have reflected this past week I have realized if they don't love my family then they are idiots. My family is amazing. I don't know if I could justly describe each of us other then being a family. There are so many differences that hold and binds us together. I feel that I was an idiot for taking advantage of that for so long.

My life is complete no matter what comes because I have experienced the greatest kind of love. It really doesn't matter that I am not married, dating, etc. what matters is that I have experienced love, laughter, tears, sorrows, trials... in all reality is that I have experienced life! In all that has occurred I have found that to be an important key. Something is always going to try us in this life. That is why we are here, but it is up to us what comes because of it.

I am going to smile because I was blessed to have amazing Grandparents, wonderful Aunts and Uncles, loving parents, caring siblings, inspiring friends, and encounters with others that have shaped me to be me! At the end of the day when all is settled and the baggage is claimed it is up to each of us to determine where we will go from there!

Ugh....

It is always interesting to analyze your own thoughts. To really get in and figure out what and why you think certain ways. Although I sometimes end up wondering more why I think that and prevent myself from thinking it because it conflicts with something else. How do you get to the point where you really know if your thoughts or feelings are true and you are not just preventing yourself from seeing another side or a different answer?

Also what happens when two perspectives don't/can't be seen by the other person? It seems more and more that it is easier to blame another then to accept the differences. Better yet why blame at all? Why can't we just get to the point where we say we understand? Ugh.. I find myself going crazy more and more! It seems the more answers I search for the more questions that I find.

Through out my life I have been blessed to see things and understand them in greater perspectives. Lately however, I find myself more frustrated and confused. It is almost like I am watching myself become someone I don't know...actually it is like I am scared of being someone other then what I think I should be. It sounds odd, but I always had thoughts of what I would be, where I would be, and who I would be with, but now things are complicated. I don't like living in complication, but it seems I put myself into it time and time again.

I think this is all hitting me tonight because I made the decision to allow myself to be free from drama. Meaning that I was going to stop living in it. I am tired of fighting for myself and with myself. I want to live, breath, and have true joy. Sometimes I yearn for it so deeply and I wonder why I won't/can't have it. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I don't understand what is stopping me now. I fought this on my mission, but I overcame. Now I am struggling again and I can't grasp the "hole" or find the "leak". Guess I have a lot of soul searching and praying to do because there is no other way I know to get an answer.

I'm Done!

As frustrated as I have ever been.
By the fact that it never ends.
You tell me one thing, but do another.
Everything from your mouth makes me wonder.

Why is it okay for you to act like that?
Go ahead and tell me I'm fat.
It doesn't matter any more.
What's that now I am a stupid whore?

Lies, deceit, and confusion
That seems to be your admonition
It's the only way for you to be
Yes pestimistic and mean

I am done you see
Theres no hold left on me
I am saying this now
It isn't worth asking how

I am standing strong on my own
Wait that's not true I am not alone
My truest friend is always here
Taking care of the burdens I bear

So now I can put my hand to the plough
Never looking back or towards the ground
I'm not afraid of being alone
Because truly I will always be
With someone who really loves me!

Another refinement!

"Your the oldest 24 year old that I have ever met!" As I sat pondering on some trials I am facing in my life this was a consistent comment made by others. Do I think that I act older then I am, maybe however I think the real question should be: Am I acting the way I am suppose to be?

Somehow I know that I am meant to be me. Refinement is still taking place every day. Today I realized that I am tired of feeling guilty and taking it up the butt and saying thank you. You see being told I was heartless made me realize that I was casting my pearls to swine. Meaning that I keep giving and giving waiting for someone anyone to recipicate, but more times then not I am left with nothing. Until now!

I am done. I don't give up, but I quit excepting others opinions or judgements of who I am. For so long I think I have allowed those keep me down from who I really am. I think I have used them as an excuse to not believe in my self, but that is over. My gosh how stupid have I been. Instead of excepting and believing the wonderful I doubt. How much clearer can my answers be? It isn't others that I am fighting it is myself.

You see if I was secure and confident in my self nothing else would matter. People could say whatever they wanted and I would be able to walk away. I would stop feeling like I have to defend myself and prove that I am a good person. There it is further refinement. I guess I am that stubborn. Father I am sorry.

I keep waiting for someone to be there, comfort me, love me, etc., but how can I expect it when I am not even doing it for myself? There it is. I am ashamed of who I am. In the since of I find that I am not as good as everyone else, but really that is so not true.

I am an amazing person. I have a wonderful love for life. I see things in a bigger perspective. I have an amazing ability to love regardless of differences or past experiences. I am somone of strong faith with a close relationship to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have a great capacity to learn and push myself when I need to. I have the power to influence others and make a difference in this life. Am I being boastful? No I am just being honest and allowing myself to see the good rather then the bad.

I am finished. I am good enough and I refuse too not allow myself to believe that. I asked for a miracle and here it is. A change of heart towards myself. Why is it easier to forgive and love another then ourselves. It's funny. I haven't ever really done anything awful, but I think I need to forgive myself for not being there for myself.

To some that might sound funny, but really I do. For so long I have been there for everyone. I love being there for others don't get me wrong, but now I need to realize I need to be there for myself first. Because if I don't have my back who will? I am grateful for my miracle. I am grateful that my Father loves me and I am grateful that He never stops refining me.