Clarity

Do you ever have those moments where there is just complete clarity?  Where you have been fighting a truth for so long and then it just dawns on you?  Today I had that.  It hit me at the strangest moment, but none the less it hit.  One second I was laughing the next I was crying.  Although I felt as if a rug was pulled out from under me it didn't hurt as bad as I thought.  Yeah it hurt, but at the same time there was peace.
The tender mercies of the Lord come to comfort and strengthen.  It is this that I find myself most grateful for.  The clarity I received isn't the answer that I wanted yet He gave it in the most gentle way.  Reminding me of the wonderful aspects of who I am.  Not the me everyone tends to see, but the real me. 
Today in Relief Society we talked about the Saviors life.  The teacher did this in a fresh way.  What she had us do is remember a story of Christ's life and connect it with an experience in our life.  The story I felt related to my life was the one with the adulterous  woman.  It isn't because I am committing adultery.  It is because of my life.  See something I realized  was that I have been allowing the judgments and condemnation of others to make me feel like I am not worthy of anything good.  I sit with my held hanging low because I feel as though I do not deserve respect or love.  I actually believe that I am not a good person.  However today  I realized that Christ has paid the price.  He knows my past and has told me to sin no more.  He is allowing me to walk away and become better.  He is allowing myself to see the mistakes I make and change me ways.
I will no longer condemn myself or allow myself to believe I do not deserve the great blessings that are in store for me.  I am going to allow myself to reach the potential that is staring me in the face.  I am working on my imperfections and I am trying to perfect myself through the Atonement of my Savior.  To my Father in Heaven and my Savior I do answer for the things in my life that I do, but I will not answer for the judgments or ideals others place on me. 
Clarity comes in the moments we need it not when we want it.  It isn't always the clarity we want either, but it is a loving Heavenly Father guiding His children.  That truth I cling to knowing He sees more than me and at all times loves me!

Running

Some times I find in life that there are moments where we run. We run from what we long for most due to fear. Thinking at that moment that we are doing what is best, but really we are giving up the best thing for us. I am use to running, been running most of my life, but I know I can’t run forever nor do I want to anymore.

We all have something we want, dream of, or desire most. For some it is a relationship, a family, an education, a career, a talent, or just the next step in our lives. Sometimes it seems to be coming so easily that we fear it is too good to be true. I currently am in this stage. I am getting the education I have always longed for. About to apply for the school of my dreams and achieve the career that I feel I was created to do. I am terrified! This fear is natural. This fear is there in some cases because it is us stepping out of our comfort zone into the will of the Lord. It is also a tool Satan uses to get us to run from the path. Then there are other times it is just our insecurities.

We run because we think that it won’t hurt as bad, that we don’t deserve it, or even that we don’t truly have enough to offer. This is another deception. If we are presented with our dreams, desires, needs, or wants we must remember by whom it was given. It is natural to fear something when it is something we feel inadequate about. The thing to remember is that if we turn this over to the Lord He will give us the direction. It means casting aside our doubts and replacing them with faith.

I have great faith that the Lord will lead me! He always has. He knows me better then I know myself and wants the best for me. I am finding things that are best for me I never dreamt of. Now when I feel like running I do, but I run into His loving embrace and allow him to teach me the truth. My inadequacies are swallowed up in His perfect love and knowledge. I know I deserve my dreams, desires, and needs. Not always do I get what I want, but I usually receive blessings I never thought I was good enough for.

I know I have a lot to offer my family, my friends, the world, and my future family. I know I am not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I do not deserve blessings or have nothing to offer. I have me to offer. I come with a shoulder to lean on that has the great strength to bear burdens, a heart that gives and receives loves without holding back, experiences for the better and worse that continually makes me wiser, compassion that can help heal a wounded soul, arms that give comfort, strength, help and support to any within their reach or embrace, eyes that share the light and love of the Lord, a smile that brings joy and understanding, and legs to go the distance.

There will still be moments that I forget, fear, or loose faith in myself, but I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who will not let me forget that which I know. I know this life is going to have its difficulties, but I know it doesn’t matter because they have been over come. It was this act of a loving Brother that helps me put my running shoes away and walk along the path that has been laid before me.

Mistake

I woke up this morning to four teenagers in the hot tub. At one o’clock in the morning I wanted to kill them, but as the time progressed I realized they were just being stupid kids and I felt bad for them. Sometime while I was dealing with all of this my heart stopped and I realized that I had broken my heart. I was standing outside in the rain when I watched a car pull in. It was him and right then my heart sank and I was ready to cry. I couldn’t though because the cops would have been a little confused, but trust me as soon as I got home I did. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize it would hurt this bad.



It sucks that we can’t force life to happen the way that we want, but we can decide to screw it up. I will be fine. My friends keep telling me it will be fine and it was a good thing, but if this is true why does my heart hurt so badly? I lost a great friend. Then there is my family, well my mom, who pulls me to the perspective of why would I do something so stupid? I love her. She then proceeds to tell me why. I guess I am the screw up everyone thinks. I can’t undo what I did. There is no way to fix it so now I must live with the consequences. I should have listened better. I should have thought longer. I don’t want to live with regrets so eventually I will understand this, but for now my heart hurts. I can’t force it to not feel or to forgive me for causing it pain.

Hard Decisions

In our lives we must make hard decisions.  These decisions can make or break us, but it doesn't make it any easier to make them.   This last week I have made some bigger decisions.  I am setting goals to follow my dreams.  I know the road ahead is rough, but it is well worth the journey to know for once I really am where I am meant to be.

In order to truly be me I have to make sure that I follow the person I am.  Somewhere along my life's journeyI chose to hide who I was. I try to act like it doesn't matter when people comment on my weight, my attitude, or my flaws, but truly apart of me dies each time.  100% of the reason I am the way I am is because I chose to allow people's opinion be my beliefs and views of myself.  Luckily for me Heavenly Father put some pretty amazing people in my life to help me change it.

I am beautiful.  Yeah I have some extra weight on me,  but I am so much more then the weight.  I have amazing eyes that show my soul, beautiful lips that help support and encourage, strong arms to hold up a friend, strong shoulders to carry the weight of the world, and an overall amazing body that houses the wonderful true me.

My attitude..well that makes me the me I enjoy.  I have my good attitudes and my not so good attitudes.  My good attitude pushes me to be more then I ever thought I could be, helps others to smile, and pushes others along the way.  My bad holds me and others back.  I am consistantly improving that aspect of me as well.

My flaws are my flaws.  I am here on this earth to work on them.  It takes time to buff out the flaws.  The point is I am working on the flaws that I need to work on.  They are mine and with the help of the Lord I will finally be able to overcome each of them.

No longer will I forget these important truths.  No longer will I allow others the power.  I will continue with the strength I have in the Lord to be the me I want to be and know I am.   Today I made a hard decision.  Although I know it was the right thing it still sucks.  I will be okay and I know others will be okay to.  Hard decisions sometimes suck, but they also give us the greater push to overcome!

Grateful Amazement!

“We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.” Eliza R. Snow

I am so amazed at the love the Lord has for me. I also am amazed by His ever encompassing guidance in my life. These last few months have been filled with growing experiences. It has taken me this long to call them growing experiences, but none the less I have learned so much.

I have found myself time and time again asking why me. Why has the Lord given me so great responsibility? Does He know who He has given this to? Seriously I think He has me confused with someone else because He can’t really believe I am this strong? The answer to all of this is yes He absolutely knows who I am and that is why I have such great responsibility. The responsibilities I have been given are not always easy to perform. There are times I find myself pleading for His understanding in my afflictions because I cannot do what I know I need to. At these moments He gently raps His arms around me and lets me cry into His lap. Then He dries the tear, lifts me back on my feet, and encourages me onward.

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of the righteous desires of my heart. Someday they will come, but until then I am to prepare myself and carry upward and onward. I am learning that in His refinement I am able to see Him in me. I am grateful that amidst the fire around me He knows when to pull me out. Even when I get upset and plead for Him to pull me out early He does what is best and waits until the time is right. I am blessed and my faith continues to grow. A friend once told me you can’t grow without the growing pains. This statement is true! I want to add that down the road these growing pains are worth having because then you appreciate the end result!!!!

I found myself loosing sight of this last little while, but again my Father and Brother were there to remind me. I am who I am and I will not be ashamed. For inside my heart and eyes you will see the person they know me to be!

I'm not better or worse. I am just ME!

No matter what happens in life there is always going to be opposition. It is this opposition that makes life. It is the key element to helping us return home. This opposition gives us knowledge, strength, and hope. We hope for things to work out in our favor and we hope that we will just make it through.

This hope is key to overcoming everything. It is through this hope that we come closer to our Heavenly Father and back on the path to being our true selves. While we are here we face the natural man. It is the part of us that turns away from our core to one of the world. It seems brighter, stronger, and even worth more, but honestly it darker, weaker, and worth absolutely nothing.

We must decide which we will let be who we are. As the last few weeks have helped me to decide who I am. I am not the person that people say I am. I am not the person who gets so caught up that I miss that point. I am not going to apologize for who I am or be accountable for others mistakes. I will be accountable for who I am and what I do and if I need to I will apologize, but I am done trying to be someone I am not.

At a moment of weakness this last week I thought that I was never going to be me. I noticed that lately I keep turning to be something that I'm not. I found myself doubting every decision I have ever made and not willing to stand up for myself. It hit me that I can't force people to see me as me. They either see me for me or they see me for something other then what they want me to be. The fact of the matter is I will always be me.

I am blunt, but not cruel. I am strong, but not tough. I am sarcastic, but not mean. I am me, but not the me you want me to be. I am done apologizing for who I am and the personality that I have. If you don't like it then you don't need to be around it. I don't need to sell myself for others to accept me. The people in my life who are really there see me for who I am and love me for ME!

This also goes towards my love life. I am done trying to sell myself for a guy to see how great I am. I know there is a guy out there for me who will see me for me and think DAMN why has no one snatched this girl. Until then I will hold my head high and keep going.

I will apologize for my mistakes, but not who I am. I will not be someone you think I should, but I will be true to myself. I will take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for the mistake of others. Most importantly I will stick to my core and my values. I will stand up for what is right and not back down. Amidst all that I have experienced I know that I have done my best and given my all.

My decision

So the last little while I have been debating if I should tell the person that I like them. After recent events I decided no! Besides I got the answer without having to tell him to his face. So I also made an imprtant decision about my future. I am going to push myself to graduate sooner. Hopefully this time next year I will be getting ready to walk. Not only across the stage, but to the next step in my life.

I will be applying for grad school and it will be outside Utah. My dream college is number one and then I have no idea, but I feel strongly it is time for me to leave this place for awhile. Besides in order to be the best social worker and counselor I need to go where I will best be able to benefit my clients.

As far as the other aspects of my life go...I don't know anymore. Life has a way of reminding me what pain feels like so I will just accept it and do what I can to better others lifes. Sorry this isn't one of my more upbeat blogs, but well I just don't feel like being upbeat today. So there are the two biggest decisions. Well three counting that I don't want to fake upbeat!

No I still love and I will be okay, but right now I am pissed and hurt.