Every now and then we want to make the decisions that are hard, but we back down or flee because that is almost easier. I wonder though is it really easier? Or by doing that do we cause ourselves unnecessary sorrow? I have always ran from my feelings. It is my greatest coping mechanism. It seems the more I try the harder it becomes not to doubt my decision. I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to over come this, but I know that I have made some strides.
Last night as I sat talking to a friend I realized exactly how blessed I am and that for the first time I want to stop running. I have let more people into my life these last six months then I have in my whole lifetime. I trust and love easier. I don’t feel as if I have to be tough. With that said I have come to the conclusion my running is often starts as being tough. The eye opening minute of last night was when I realized what I was doing and what I might loose because of it, but how do I let myself be vulnerable?
Over my lifetime I have only been vulnerable to four guys. Meaning I have only let those three see the truest side of me. One was an amazing friend I grew up with. We were the oddest friends because we would go about two years without seeing each other and yet it seemed like just yesterday we were together. I always trusted his opinion and advice. He would tell me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear and he was always there to pick me up when I was down. He is now married and waiting for a wonderful baby boy to arrive.
The second served the same mission as me. No matter what else was said about me or the attitude I had he was there for me. Knowing the struggles that I was facing he didn’t try to fix them, but he helped me leave them long enough to let them go. When my heart was ripped out of my chest by someone who called me friend he was there. Without being coached or being fed up, he listened to me with love and reminded me of whom I really am. He is engaged now and waiting to be sealed for time and all eternity with the love of his life.
The third I met in my singles ward. Our personalities just seemed to mesh well with each other. He never judged my imperfections and he helped me to see for myself that I deserved better then what I was giving myself. He brought me out of my shell and helped me to make the necessary changes that I needed to better my life and those around me. Even now he brings a smile to my face because he still cares about the pain I am feeling. He is currently dating a wonderfully lucky girl.
The fourth I also met through my singles ward. When he first came to the ward I was taken back, but never thought we would be friends. Over time as I learned more about him I felt that I needed to get to know him better. He has been my Yoda as to understanding how the heart works. We talk about things that leave me thinking for days. I doubt he realizes this or how I feel, but none the less I am better because of him. This scares me. Usually I have great control over who gets to come into my heart, but for him my defenses go down and allow him to walks in. He probably has no idea this occurs or the fact that I can’t lie to him at all. Last night I almost blurted it all out. So why didn’t I? For the first time I am 100% scared that it will break my heart. With the other three I liked them, but it didn’t hurt when I realized it wasn’t meant to be. With him, it honestly would hurt. He leaves in June for a job then possibly to post grad school. This doesn’t faze me at all, but I fear like the other three he will find that special girl and it won’t be me.
I went to bed last night ready to run. I woke up this morning with my head and heart fighting. My head says run, my heart says stay. My head says keep the barriers, my heart says let him in. This decision that I have to make has great potential for happiness and sorrow yet I can’t go either way. Last night I realized something about all four of these wonderful guys…they all have a piece of my heart and no matter what always will. I am glad for the decisions I made and I am eternally happy that I can call them friends. I truly am happy that they all have been blessed to receive joy and happiness, but I am left to wonder when will it be me?
