Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I Wouldn't Change It for ANYTHING

Life has been an amazing adventure since I moved to DC.  There have been moments where I have thrown my hands in the air and prepared to pack and head home, but every time I have there have been these amazing calm moments of pure joy and peace reminding me why I am here.  I have learned to appreciate and cherish these moments because no matter what life throws at me these moments remind me everything that I need to know.

The first moment I remember is when I touched down on the plane.  I looked out the window and I had an overwhelming since of happiness and home.  Then I stepped off the plane and experienced the storm as life happened, but again after a deep breath and a good friend's ear I was able to recognize the feeling of being home.

The second moment I remember is sitting in church looking up at a speaker and having a sense of familiarity.  Soon again life happened and I lost track of this moment until I again sat down took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  The feeling of familiarity came flooding back.

The third moment I remember is after a long day at my internship and I was overwhelmed and burned out for the day.  The metro was a fifteen minute wait and all I wanted was to be in bed.  As I looked past the tracks an overwhelming sense of peace came reassuring me that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I took a deep breath and enjoyed the moment.  Soon after life happened and I found myself questioning my decision to move clear across the country from my family and friends.  Before I could even take a deep breath this moment came back and I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The fourth moment I remember happened long before I came to DC.  I remember waking from a dream with a sense of hope, joy, and love.  Since this dream has happened life has occurred.  I find myself struggling to remember this moment at times, but again and again it comes back to me and I fear nothing.  

These are four moments in comparison to the millions of moments that I have recently had, but they make all the other moments come back into perspective. If I didn't have life happen I would never appreciate the moments where I am given a since of home, familiarity, hope, joy, love, and an overwhelming feeling of being where I am meant to be.  I wouldn't change my life for anything!  That is how I know I am blessed and how I know I truly am experiencing happiness!!!!     

Friday, September 28, 2012

I am who I am and I am done fighting

Well once again I find myself fighting the battle over who I am.  I am comfortable with who I am.  I found my identity and personality over the past few years and finally felt confident.  Due to recent circumstances I began to question what was wrong with me and I was humbled at the answer of nothing.  Why do we always assume something is wrong with someone if that person has a different personality, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or anything else that makes a person a person?

I am a strong independent woman.  I am not a bitch nor do I purposely try to hurt another person.  I am the first person to apologize if I know something I said hurt someone. With that said I am also the first person to call someone else out on their crap.  Yes I do need to learn how to do this less abruptly, but I will never be able to coddle.  I am passionate about certain topics which also means I am very educated in that topic.  It may come across as brash when I discuss it, but again don't you when you are passionate about something?

My point in this is to remind you that I am Cheri.  I am not a bitch, insensitive, rude, hateful, or whatever negative thing you want to say about me.  If you perceive this let me clarify for you one last time because I am tired of fighting this battle.  I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, INTELLIGENT, CARING, HONEST, HARD WORKING, DEVOTED, LOYAL, TRUST WORTHY, FRIEND, CONFIDENT IN MY IDENTITY, AND HUMAN.  


So if you feel the need to look at mine can I suggest first to work on your own and then once you are perfect I might seek for your help in mine.  Blunt yes did I forget to mention that as well ;). If you cannot except me as I am then feel free to not associate with me.  I won't hold it against you because that is your right and I won't feel bad, but don't take it as an invitation to say what you want about me.  I am done fighting!  Not because I am weak, but because I am finally strong enough to just be me and be happy!  For those who see me as me and love me THANK YOU!  

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Independence Day!!

Many people celebrate today and I find myself questioning what are they celebrating?  Over two hundred years ago we gained our countries independence from England is that what we are celebrating?  Are we celebrating independence  within our nation?  Within other nations?  What exactly does Independence Day represent?  I do not or cannot say what it means for others, but I can and of course will tell you what it represents for me!

Independence Day is a day I wake up grateful to live in a country where I can independently decide my religion, education, clothes, friends, husband, language, opinions, and everything else that makes me who I am.  I wake with gratitude in my heart for all the men and women who have fought on my behalf for my independence whether it be through war, politics, civil justice, or social justice acts.  I then close my eyes and pray that the independence I has thus experienced be what I experience that day and that others are blessed to the same experience.  I then get out of bed and reality hits.

I am very fortunate to experience independence in all it's glory because I am a white, straight, middle aged, middle class, born US citizen.  No I didn't forget that I am a female because that limits some of my independence, any who tangent.  I cannot help, but think this Independence Day of those less fortunate within my country that do not have the same independence.  Why?  If we came seeking originally religious independence and independence from the king why then do we still dictate who gets what?  Now I am not saying people should be able to kill if they want to or rape or anything to that extreme, but what about people of color are they truly experiencing all the independence our country has to offer?  Are people in the LGBTQI community enjoying independence? Why do we dictate others independence?

I am so GRATEFUL for the men and women who have contributed in the past, present, and will in the future to my independence.  I just hope that they will also contribute to others who don't.  I love my country and all of my fellow country men!!!! 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Who Am I? A Loaded Question.

When we ask ourselves the question: who am I are we looking for the real answer or just the superficial answer? Do we understand the magnitude of that question?  Are we able to sifter between who I am and what I am?  Is there a difference?  Over the last several years I have been in search of my own personal answer to who I am.  I know who others tell me I am or what aspects contribute to who I am, but only I can define for myself who I am.

This journey started when I took an introductory class to oppression.  In this we had to identify the main parts of our identity.  For me these parts are: White, Straight, Female, Christian, Young Adult, Temporarily Abled Body.  To me these are what I am.  Who I am comes from what I do with what I am.  I know sounds a little confusing, but it is me and I will elaborate. 

The first thing that comes to my mind is the line: Who I am is who I wanna be, from the song I'm a Survivor.  I found myself at the start of my journey deciding if I was who I wanted to be, if I wanted to be something more, different, or if I really was anything.  Although I believe I will be on this journey my full life I also believe I have a firm foundation of who I am.

I am Cheri Danielle Mills.  A woman who has seen a lot and is ready to see so much more.  I am kind, considerate, educated, hard working, proud, sensitive, responsible, and giving.  I have my moments of selfishness, insecurities, doubt, and fear, but those moments only add to who I am.  I know it seems that I have just listed a bunch of words, but these words lead to the actions that support who I am.  I have blunt moments and sugar coating moments.  I do not regret anything in my life for everything that I have done at one time is what I thought was right for the time.  I own my responsibilities and consequences.  Really in the end I am just Cheri Danielle Mills and I don't want to be anyone else.  

I don't know if this is clear or not, but who we are is who we choose to be.  When we accept ourselves imperfections and all we are able to be the great people we are.  I am not ashamed of who I am because who I am is making a difference.  I hope as others go on this journey that they will find themselves at the conclusion of peace and joy as well as being who they want to be!!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rule not the exception!!!

Alright I guess it is time for one of my little rantings. First I want to say I love the movie He's Just Not That Into You why because it is the TRUTH!!!  That's right my single friends the man in the movie is telling the cold hard truth and I believe it is time we realize it.

With that said I want to focus on the fact that we are the rules not the exceptions and if we are the exception the person we are an exception to the rule for will let us know we are the exception not the rule.  Our friends cannot tell us we are the exception to the rule because the truth is they are just trying to spare our feelings. 

When reality finally hits, and with all the bs it hits hard, we tend to get mad at the person for us not being the exception, but that is in no way their fault.  After all we do not force ourselves to have exceptions to our rules right?  Here is where the ranting comes to the point of clarification.  We need to stop building fantasies in our minds and live in the reality.  Does this mean that you are not going to be upset or hurt from rejection? I am not exactly sure, but I don't think we will fall as hard.  

Now I am not saying give up on liking someone until they clarify for you that you are the exception.  I am saying take a chance, flirt a little, then leave it up to the other person.  Do not build the fairytale in your mind of how it will end because chances are it will end and it will not end the way you want it.

Now the optimistic part of me is coming out.  When we do not limit ourselves to believing we are the exception to the rule we allow ourselves to be open for the person we are the exception for.  A wise friend once told me that to hold on means I truly do not believe I am good enough to be the exception to the rule for someone. This is because holding on to the wrong person means I try to change myself to become what they want me to be so I can be the exception, but this is at the cost of who I am!  So by stop thinking we are the exception to the rule we will become it without forcing it.  I don't know if this all comes together, but this is something that has been bothering me for a few days now!!!  We are all someone's exception, but we don't get to decide who that someone is!  To all my single friends you are the exception to the rule, but do not ask me if you are for a specific person because if you do I will tell you NO!  Not out of being insincere, but because I am trying to spare your feelings in the long run!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

May Third Something I Wore Today

I simply wore a smile.  Ok really I wore clothes, but this was what I truly focused on wearing all day!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

May Second Skyline

Provo skyline from Y Mountain. 
 Much like my life the journey was difficult, but the view was worth it!