Monday, March 23, 2009

I have no other choice!

So the last couple of weeks I have been feeling overwhelmed. I guess surprise surprise when you do everything that I do. Well on Wednesday everything seem to come to a head and left me feeling so weak and inadequate. I went to a beautiful wedding on Friday which lifted my spirit, but then had to come back to the drama and trials at hand. So Saturday I did what any grown up girl would do I ran away to my parents house. Granted I did do somethings that I needed to do, but mostly I just ran away. I performed my obligations at work, but then I ran away again and this time I didn't answer my phone.



I talked to my mom about what I was going through and like always she helped me see it from another perspective. I went to bed feeling a little bit better, but anxious for the following day. Sunday I woke up and hurriedly got dressed to go to stake conference where Elder Holland was speaking. After finding a seat I looked up and saw one of the apostles of the Lord and I felt my heart leap. It was amazing how just being in the same room as an apostle that I felt comfort with everthing that I am facing.



As I listened to the differnt speakers I felt a deep conformation that everything that I am going through right now I am going through for a reason. Part is for me to grow and gain greater knowledge, but more is so that I can help other people through their trials. When Elder Holland stood to speak I prayed in my heart that I would be able to recieve greater counsel.



He began by sharing a story of President Hinkley. When Pres. Hinkley was firsted diagnosed with cancer he told the twelve in their temple meeting. He told them it was a big deal and he didn't want pity or for it to be talked about. A week later he came back to the same meeting this time telling the brethern that he was going to do kimo and radiation. Since Pres. Hinkley was 95 everyone questioned his decision. His answer to this was that he didn't have a choice. To many people were praying for him so he needed to do all that he could do. Elder Holland continued to show how Pres. Hinkley no matter what he faced did all that he could because he had no other choice, but do whatever it was that the Lord wanted him to do.



Elder Holland then said that he personally leaves his family and does his calling because this isn't a joke and that it is true. I received my first answer. Through everything that is going on in my life this has been a question on my mind: "Why can't I just give up?" It isn't an option for me. I don't have the option not to keep going or to fight. Why don't I have this option? Because I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. Since I know this there is no option for me not to do what I know that Lord needs me to do. I know that through everything I am only given the trials that I can handle and that I can overcome.



Elder Holland then asked the youth to pay their moral tithing and give him ten years. He wants the ten years from 12-22. He said this is the age that we make all our big decisions so if we gave it to the Lord we would be okay. He then talked about how the reason why the presidency of the church is fighting so hard is because they take it personal when they loose a youth. It was amazing the love you felt as he spoke. He also counseled parents on how to help the youth.



At the end of his talk Elder Holland made a comment for those who are single (I am not going to lie I felt this was for me). That Heavenly Father knows that we desire to be married and if for some reason it doesn't happen then that is okay. That He is waiting to bless us and while we are waiting that the Lords arms of mercy are stretched out for us to be engulfed in. He also said though we might feel alone there are angels around us helping us.



What joy filled my heart!!! I was able to understand more about me and finally hear what Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me through all my trials. I don't have a choice other then to be me. This means I can't stop fighting and that He needs me to keep fighting. Fighting for truth, love, and friends. I know I can do this and I know this was the choice that I made so long ago. I am so thankful for this knowledge and for the blessings yet to come to my life.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I AM SORRY!

So I woke up from a semi peaceful nights rest. Only to discover a sick feeling that I needed to call or text my ex. I am unsure if it is because of my dream last night or if I really need to call him. I have felt bad since I broke up with him because it was me who decided to end the relationship. So since I can't bring myself to text him I figured I would apologize and explain.



Ex~

I am sorry things didn't work out the way we thought they would. I don't regret anything or anytime we spent together. Truth is I cherish it because it was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. You always treated me wonderfully and dealt with whatever drama seemed to follow me. You let me be me and you tried to be there for me. The relationship we had was good, but somewhere along the line it was made clear that it wasn't meant to be. Differences in personalities, growing up, ideas, and dreams. It wasn't just you and it wasn't just me it just wasn't suppose to be.

I didn't mean or want to break your heart. I hope you know that night it ended that I felt a part of my heart die. I never lied about loving you. I did and still do love you! It just isn't enough or the right kind of love to be together. I know you tried talking to me afterwards and I really wanted to stay friends, but I felt if I cut myself out maybe it would be easier for you to move on. You told me that you were sorry and you tried to talk to me, but I tried to blow it off for that I am sorry the most.

I ask now for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for the pain that I may have caused, the confusion, and for leaving you when I said I would be there. You deserve to hate me or never forgive me, but I just wanted to tell you the things I couldn't tell you or try to explain. I pray that you get the true happiness you deserve. You are amazing and I hope a lucky girl finds you.





I don't know if he will ever get to know, but I truly feel that it is better for me to be out of his life then in. It was an amazing relationship. I learned things about myself and others for that I will always be grateful. A couple days ago a person told me that sometimes the things we think should come together and don't are for the best. I truly believe this. People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes they leave for a reason as well. I am grateful for the things that don't work out the way that I thought they should because I have been blessed more and received things I never imagioned.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Oh Bother.....

So I dislocated my knee again. This makes it two on the right knee. I had surgery and yet it still went out. I think the way it was pushed is the reason why it went out. It seems that I forget that I am human. I push myself in everything I do to the limits and just know that I can do it because I know who is helping me. This is fine, but then a trial like this happens and I don't know why. Is it a test of strength? endurance? faith? patience? or is it to remind me that I am human? I really have tried to stop asking why in my life when things don't seem to go the way I want them to, but yet it is there this time.

There are quite a few things that have been hitting me recently and I am torn. Part of me has pride or is jealous where the other part is relying on the Lords timing. I truly am trying to have the faith, but I can't get my head and my heart to agree on anything. How is it that we come to have both head and heart agree? It use to be easy, but the more I try the harder it is. Maybe thats the answer to quit trying and just do it. Maybe that is what the Lord is trying to get me to understand is just rely on Him and do what I can. It sounds so easy yet I am struggling with it. The more I think about it the more I see His reassurance. I guess recently I have been too head strong to see His hand and reassurance in the desires of my heart. I keep thinking if I only did more, if I could get it to go this way, or maybe if I changed, but Heavenly Father is telling me I am fine. That I am doing what He needs me to do and that blessings are coming I just need to hold on to my faith.

Wow I think my Heart and my Head finally agreed. It amazes me how just writing something out or talking about it things click. Sometimes I just need to get out of my head. I sometimes forget to enjoy life not just live it. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and that He never gives up on me. I am even thankful for the trials that I am having because they center me and put me back where I need to be!