So the last couple of weeks I have been feeling overwhelmed. I guess surprise surprise when you do everything that I do. Well on Wednesday everything seem to come to a head and left me feeling so weak and inadequate. I went to a beautiful wedding on Friday which lifted my spirit, but then had to come back to the drama and trials at hand. So Saturday I did what any grown up girl would do I ran away to my parents house. Granted I did do somethings that I needed to do, but mostly I just ran away. I performed my obligations at work, but then I ran away again and this time I didn't answer my phone.
I talked to my mom about what I was going through and like always she helped me see it from another perspective. I went to bed feeling a little bit better, but anxious for the following day. Sunday I woke up and hurriedly got dressed to go to stake conference where Elder Holland was speaking. After finding a seat I looked up and saw one of the apostles of the Lord and I felt my heart leap. It was amazing how just being in the same room as an apostle that I felt comfort with everthing that I am facing.
As I listened to the differnt speakers I felt a deep conformation that everything that I am going through right now I am going through for a reason. Part is for me to grow and gain greater knowledge, but more is so that I can help other people through their trials. When Elder Holland stood to speak I prayed in my heart that I would be able to recieve greater counsel.
He began by sharing a story of President Hinkley. When Pres. Hinkley was firsted diagnosed with cancer he told the twelve in their temple meeting. He told them it was a big deal and he didn't want pity or for it to be talked about. A week later he came back to the same meeting this time telling the brethern that he was going to do kimo and radiation. Since Pres. Hinkley was 95 everyone questioned his decision. His answer to this was that he didn't have a choice. To many people were praying for him so he needed to do all that he could do. Elder Holland continued to show how Pres. Hinkley no matter what he faced did all that he could because he had no other choice, but do whatever it was that the Lord wanted him to do.
Elder Holland then said that he personally leaves his family and does his calling because this isn't a joke and that it is true. I received my first answer. Through everything that is going on in my life this has been a question on my mind: "Why can't I just give up?" It isn't an option for me. I don't have the option not to keep going or to fight. Why don't I have this option? Because I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. Since I know this there is no option for me not to do what I know that Lord needs me to do. I know that through everything I am only given the trials that I can handle and that I can overcome.
Elder Holland then asked the youth to pay their moral tithing and give him ten years. He wants the ten years from 12-22. He said this is the age that we make all our big decisions so if we gave it to the Lord we would be okay. He then talked about how the reason why the presidency of the church is fighting so hard is because they take it personal when they loose a youth. It was amazing the love you felt as he spoke. He also counseled parents on how to help the youth.
At the end of his talk Elder Holland made a comment for those who are single (I am not going to lie I felt this was for me). That Heavenly Father knows that we desire to be married and if for some reason it doesn't happen then that is okay. That He is waiting to bless us and while we are waiting that the Lords arms of mercy are stretched out for us to be engulfed in. He also said though we might feel alone there are angels around us helping us.
What joy filled my heart!!! I was able to understand more about me and finally hear what Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me through all my trials. I don't have a choice other then to be me. This means I can't stop fighting and that He needs me to keep fighting. Fighting for truth, love, and friends. I know I can do this and I know this was the choice that I made so long ago. I am so thankful for this knowledge and for the blessings yet to come to my life.
I believe in you! Love your guts.
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