"Your the oldest 24 year old that I have ever met!" As I sat pondering on some trials I am facing in my life this was a consistent comment made by others. Do I think that I act older then I am, maybe however I think the real question should be: Am I acting the way I am suppose to be?
Somehow I know that I am meant to be me. Refinement is still taking place every day. Today I realized that I am tired of feeling guilty and taking it up the butt and saying thank you. You see being told I was heartless made me realize that I was casting my pearls to swine. Meaning that I keep giving and giving waiting for someone anyone to recipicate, but more times then not I am left with nothing. Until now!
I am done. I don't give up, but I quit excepting others opinions or judgements of who I am. For so long I think I have allowed those keep me down from who I really am. I think I have used them as an excuse to not believe in my self, but that is over. My gosh how stupid have I been. Instead of excepting and believing the wonderful I doubt. How much clearer can my answers be? It isn't others that I am fighting it is myself.
You see if I was secure and confident in my self nothing else would matter. People could say whatever they wanted and I would be able to walk away. I would stop feeling like I have to defend myself and prove that I am a good person. There it is further refinement. I guess I am that stubborn. Father I am sorry.
I keep waiting for someone to be there, comfort me, love me, etc., but how can I expect it when I am not even doing it for myself? There it is. I am ashamed of who I am. In the since of I find that I am not as good as everyone else, but really that is so not true.
I am an amazing person. I have a wonderful love for life. I see things in a bigger perspective. I have an amazing ability to love regardless of differences or past experiences. I am somone of strong faith with a close relationship to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have a great capacity to learn and push myself when I need to. I have the power to influence others and make a difference in this life. Am I being boastful? No I am just being honest and allowing myself to see the good rather then the bad.
I am finished. I am good enough and I refuse too not allow myself to believe that. I asked for a miracle and here it is. A change of heart towards myself. Why is it easier to forgive and love another then ourselves. It's funny. I haven't ever really done anything awful, but I think I need to forgive myself for not being there for myself.
To some that might sound funny, but really I do. For so long I have been there for everyone. I love being there for others don't get me wrong, but now I need to realize I need to be there for myself first. Because if I don't have my back who will? I am grateful for my miracle. I am grateful that my Father loves me and I am grateful that He never stops refining me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
NOT GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN!!!!
Alright so I have tried to get past something for two/three days now. It hasn't really worked so I thought I was going to let it out one last time and then let go. I find it so interesting how people tell you they love you or how amazing you are before they rip you down. Haven't we evolved enough by now to know better. Obvioulsy after the experience I had not everyone has gotten the clue.
On Sunday I enjoyed dinner and conversation with some friends, or what I thought were friends, from my ward. As the coversation went on there was a change where I was forced to defend myself against the aligations presented before me. You see I was told I was brash, blunt, uncompassionate, take things personal, and pretty much that I needed to conform. Anyone who knows me knows first and far most that I am my own person. I refuse to be someone or something I'm not. I don't ask others to do that for me so I would expect the same in return. After about forty-five minutes of this I made up some excuse so I could find refuge from this storm.
After talking to a wonderful friend and my mother I was able to get past it the next morning. Well I guess I needed more trial or needed to be further tested because later that night I was told I was heartless and there was a giant black hole where my heart should be. I tried to shake it, but I can honestly say I was broken. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and casted it aside like it was nothing. After leaving what should have been a safe place I came home and sobbed. Yes me as strong as I am sobbed. For the first time in my life I felt like someone had completely and utterly destroyed my spirit and heart.
Thankfully again there were angels to rescue my heart and help me to get past it. Now that I am whole and strong again I am going to fight with my words and then walk away from this. You see if you know me then you know that I have an amazing heart. I would bend over backwards for anyone. I am not perfect as I have admitted time and time again in this blog, but I am striving the best that I can. You see we all see things in life differently. There isn't just black and white there are so many colors to choose from.
I grew up in a wonderful family. My family is diverse and has been through so much. The best part of this was that I was born to goodly parents. My parents knew how important it is to be our own individuals and to give our complete selves. I was raised to speak my mind, heart, and question what didn't seem to fit. I learned to except people for who they were and not try to change them. My sisters taught me to fight not just physically, but fight for those I love, those who can't fight for themselves, my beliefs, and most importantly fight for myself. My brother taught me when you get knocked down to jump back up and continue to be true to yourself.
Over the years I have stopped fighting for myself. Everything else I have stood strong and done. Am I perfect in all I do no, but I am working on it. That is what we are suppose to do in this life is work to be the best we can and help those along the way. I am not like alot of people and I am done apologizing for that. I am a unique chosen daughter of my Heavenly Father and I am no longer deny my great worth.
You see this didn't really break me it made me stronger because I realized how charitable, loving, and compassionate I truly am. At times I talk tough or am a little cut throat, but to some that is what I am needed to be and to others that is a sign of you've crossed a line. If you know me you know the real me, but if you don't know me then you will see me as a heartless bitch.
Well to you who don't know me and are quick to assume. You see I grew up in away that I won't be ashamed. I will fight when I need to fight and I will be who I am meant to be. If you don't like it then step off and keep your judgements to yourself. Because you see I know who ultimately judges me and you aren't Him nor are you acting like Him if you are. I am not going to change anyones opinion or am going to be liked by everyone. I'll say it again I am not perfect, but I am working on my flaws. If you love me then love me for who I am and understand I am doing the same.
To the person/people involved from the other nights. I am not mad nor do I hate you, but realize it will never be the same. All the trust or confidence I had in you is gone. Yes I love you, but right now I don't like any of you. You know who you are and I am not going to name names. I am not heartless for writing this I am just done putting up with it. You have the right to your opinions on personalities or situations, but your opinions of me should just stop.
So that is it and now I walk away.
To my angels you know who you are and I know that my Father blessed me with you in my life. Thank you for being there for me when I truly needed a friend. I know in my life I have been blessed to have amazing friends who are always there and who have touched my life for the better. My blessings are greater then any trial or struggle that I will have to face because I know that I am embraced by my Father.
On Sunday I enjoyed dinner and conversation with some friends, or what I thought were friends, from my ward. As the coversation went on there was a change where I was forced to defend myself against the aligations presented before me. You see I was told I was brash, blunt, uncompassionate, take things personal, and pretty much that I needed to conform. Anyone who knows me knows first and far most that I am my own person. I refuse to be someone or something I'm not. I don't ask others to do that for me so I would expect the same in return. After about forty-five minutes of this I made up some excuse so I could find refuge from this storm.
After talking to a wonderful friend and my mother I was able to get past it the next morning. Well I guess I needed more trial or needed to be further tested because later that night I was told I was heartless and there was a giant black hole where my heart should be. I tried to shake it, but I can honestly say I was broken. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and casted it aside like it was nothing. After leaving what should have been a safe place I came home and sobbed. Yes me as strong as I am sobbed. For the first time in my life I felt like someone had completely and utterly destroyed my spirit and heart.
Thankfully again there were angels to rescue my heart and help me to get past it. Now that I am whole and strong again I am going to fight with my words and then walk away from this. You see if you know me then you know that I have an amazing heart. I would bend over backwards for anyone. I am not perfect as I have admitted time and time again in this blog, but I am striving the best that I can. You see we all see things in life differently. There isn't just black and white there are so many colors to choose from.
I grew up in a wonderful family. My family is diverse and has been through so much. The best part of this was that I was born to goodly parents. My parents knew how important it is to be our own individuals and to give our complete selves. I was raised to speak my mind, heart, and question what didn't seem to fit. I learned to except people for who they were and not try to change them. My sisters taught me to fight not just physically, but fight for those I love, those who can't fight for themselves, my beliefs, and most importantly fight for myself. My brother taught me when you get knocked down to jump back up and continue to be true to yourself.
Over the years I have stopped fighting for myself. Everything else I have stood strong and done. Am I perfect in all I do no, but I am working on it. That is what we are suppose to do in this life is work to be the best we can and help those along the way. I am not like alot of people and I am done apologizing for that. I am a unique chosen daughter of my Heavenly Father and I am no longer deny my great worth.
You see this didn't really break me it made me stronger because I realized how charitable, loving, and compassionate I truly am. At times I talk tough or am a little cut throat, but to some that is what I am needed to be and to others that is a sign of you've crossed a line. If you know me you know the real me, but if you don't know me then you will see me as a heartless bitch.
Well to you who don't know me and are quick to assume. You see I grew up in away that I won't be ashamed. I will fight when I need to fight and I will be who I am meant to be. If you don't like it then step off and keep your judgements to yourself. Because you see I know who ultimately judges me and you aren't Him nor are you acting like Him if you are. I am not going to change anyones opinion or am going to be liked by everyone. I'll say it again I am not perfect, but I am working on my flaws. If you love me then love me for who I am and understand I am doing the same.
To the person/people involved from the other nights. I am not mad nor do I hate you, but realize it will never be the same. All the trust or confidence I had in you is gone. Yes I love you, but right now I don't like any of you. You know who you are and I am not going to name names. I am not heartless for writing this I am just done putting up with it. You have the right to your opinions on personalities or situations, but your opinions of me should just stop.
So that is it and now I walk away.
To my angels you know who you are and I know that my Father blessed me with you in my life. Thank you for being there for me when I truly needed a friend. I know in my life I have been blessed to have amazing friends who are always there and who have touched my life for the better. My blessings are greater then any trial or struggle that I will have to face because I know that I am embraced by my Father.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)