"Your the oldest 24 year old that I have ever met!" As I sat pondering on some trials I am facing in my life this was a consistent comment made by others. Do I think that I act older then I am, maybe however I think the real question should be: Am I acting the way I am suppose to be?
Somehow I know that I am meant to be me. Refinement is still taking place every day. Today I realized that I am tired of feeling guilty and taking it up the butt and saying thank you. You see being told I was heartless made me realize that I was casting my pearls to swine. Meaning that I keep giving and giving waiting for someone anyone to recipicate, but more times then not I am left with nothing. Until now!
I am done. I don't give up, but I quit excepting others opinions or judgements of who I am. For so long I think I have allowed those keep me down from who I really am. I think I have used them as an excuse to not believe in my self, but that is over. My gosh how stupid have I been. Instead of excepting and believing the wonderful I doubt. How much clearer can my answers be? It isn't others that I am fighting it is myself.
You see if I was secure and confident in my self nothing else would matter. People could say whatever they wanted and I would be able to walk away. I would stop feeling like I have to defend myself and prove that I am a good person. There it is further refinement. I guess I am that stubborn. Father I am sorry.
I keep waiting for someone to be there, comfort me, love me, etc., but how can I expect it when I am not even doing it for myself? There it is. I am ashamed of who I am. In the since of I find that I am not as good as everyone else, but really that is so not true.
I am an amazing person. I have a wonderful love for life. I see things in a bigger perspective. I have an amazing ability to love regardless of differences or past experiences. I am somone of strong faith with a close relationship to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have a great capacity to learn and push myself when I need to. I have the power to influence others and make a difference in this life. Am I being boastful? No I am just being honest and allowing myself to see the good rather then the bad.
I am finished. I am good enough and I refuse too not allow myself to believe that. I asked for a miracle and here it is. A change of heart towards myself. Why is it easier to forgive and love another then ourselves. It's funny. I haven't ever really done anything awful, but I think I need to forgive myself for not being there for myself.
To some that might sound funny, but really I do. For so long I have been there for everyone. I love being there for others don't get me wrong, but now I need to realize I need to be there for myself first. Because if I don't have my back who will? I am grateful for my miracle. I am grateful that my Father loves me and I am grateful that He never stops refining me.
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