Ugh....

It is always interesting to analyze your own thoughts. To really get in and figure out what and why you think certain ways. Although I sometimes end up wondering more why I think that and prevent myself from thinking it because it conflicts with something else. How do you get to the point where you really know if your thoughts or feelings are true and you are not just preventing yourself from seeing another side or a different answer?

Also what happens when two perspectives don't/can't be seen by the other person? It seems more and more that it is easier to blame another then to accept the differences. Better yet why blame at all? Why can't we just get to the point where we say we understand? Ugh.. I find myself going crazy more and more! It seems the more answers I search for the more questions that I find.

Through out my life I have been blessed to see things and understand them in greater perspectives. Lately however, I find myself more frustrated and confused. It is almost like I am watching myself become someone I don't know...actually it is like I am scared of being someone other then what I think I should be. It sounds odd, but I always had thoughts of what I would be, where I would be, and who I would be with, but now things are complicated. I don't like living in complication, but it seems I put myself into it time and time again.

I think this is all hitting me tonight because I made the decision to allow myself to be free from drama. Meaning that I was going to stop living in it. I am tired of fighting for myself and with myself. I want to live, breath, and have true joy. Sometimes I yearn for it so deeply and I wonder why I won't/can't have it. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I don't understand what is stopping me now. I fought this on my mission, but I overcame. Now I am struggling again and I can't grasp the "hole" or find the "leak". Guess I have a lot of soul searching and praying to do because there is no other way I know to get an answer.

I'm Done!

As frustrated as I have ever been.
By the fact that it never ends.
You tell me one thing, but do another.
Everything from your mouth makes me wonder.

Why is it okay for you to act like that?
Go ahead and tell me I'm fat.
It doesn't matter any more.
What's that now I am a stupid whore?

Lies, deceit, and confusion
That seems to be your admonition
It's the only way for you to be
Yes pestimistic and mean

I am done you see
Theres no hold left on me
I am saying this now
It isn't worth asking how

I am standing strong on my own
Wait that's not true I am not alone
My truest friend is always here
Taking care of the burdens I bear

So now I can put my hand to the plough
Never looking back or towards the ground
I'm not afraid of being alone
Because truly I will always be
With someone who really loves me!