"F***ing Perfect"

"F***ing Perfect" P!nk
"Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?
 
Why do I do that..?


Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're fuckin' perfect to me...

In a world filled with variation it continues to amaze me that we still put each other down or make people feel as though they are nothing.  This song, although there is the "F" word, is a touching, inspiring, and empowering song.  It seems as far back as I can remember that others have ripped me apart.  Always trying to tell me what flaws I have and what I needed to change.  However, something changed these last six months.  

I can still remember the exact moment when I realized I didn't know who I was.  I was asked to identify myself and I stared blankly at the sheet of paper for ten minutes.  Finally I put what came to my mind and that was filled with negative aspects that others have told me throughout the years.  I was ashamed and embarrassed to share what I wrote with others.  It was that moment that I realized that something was definitely wrong.    

This lead to the hardest few months of my life as people continued to put me down.  It was even harder as I tried to turn to people who were friends and show my true side.  This led to less friends and more tears.  I finally woke up one day and realized just who I am.  None of the crap people say or try to force on me is true.  It is their perception of who I am or who I should be that gets in the way not who I am.

The fact is I am a hearing, white, straight, female, independent/dependent, confident, open, caring, beautiful, person who is on the path to changing the world I live in.  This means sometimes I might come off brash, harsh, negative, intrusive, or overbearing, but that is just a fraction a moment of who I am.  I am getting stronger everyday in accepting myself.  I bring the variation to the world that the world needs because without me it would continue to go on believing there is only one type of perfect.  So yes P!nk swears in her song, but maybe just maybe that is what is needed to shake someone from their fog to finding themselves and accepting themselves.

Life is as it is suppose to be!

It never ceases to amaze me the obstacles we face in this life.  Times of sorrow seem to come when we have so much going on.  For me it is several different things hitting all at once that seem heavier then I can bare. 
Life mainly is going great.  School is keeping me busy, but is allowing my dreams to come true now.  Going into Social Work can be difficult, but for me it wasn't a choice.  It was more like a calling or a part of who I am.  As I am working on several projects I am seeing I can do the work.  How my personality is meant for this work. 
My health is getting better.  I have successfully lost 10 pounds which is hard for me.  My PCOS is getting better controlled, but still leaving me hurdles to cross.  So many people have told me I am fat and made it out to be something so easy to control.  For me it is more then just being lazy it is fighting with my own body to function correctly.  I feel the most beautiful now not because I am loosing weight, but because I am at peace with who I am as a whole person.
Socially things are as they are.  People come in and out of my life and I stopped expecting them to stay.  If they stay in my life I count it as an amazing blessing.  I have amazing friends who stood by me through the darkest and hardest times of my life.  Others left but I don't hate them I just accept they couldn't be.
Everyday I awake to a life I am grateful for.  I am not ashamed of the decisions I have made nor afraid to be confident although others may not agree.  I am who I am and I no longer feel the need to change.  I have some refining left, but that is what this life is for to be refined in the fire of the one who can make us into who we are suppose to be.  I can and will achieve my desires when the timing is right and for me that is the promise that carries me on.
Yes there is sorrow as I realize my greatest desires are still out of reach, but I know when the timing is right it will be more then I ever thought it would be.  I have work left to do and that is my focus because if I always look for the future I will miss the moments now that need me in them.