I'm not better or worse. I am just ME!

No matter what happens in life there is always going to be opposition. It is this opposition that makes life. It is the key element to helping us return home. This opposition gives us knowledge, strength, and hope. We hope for things to work out in our favor and we hope that we will just make it through.

This hope is key to overcoming everything. It is through this hope that we come closer to our Heavenly Father and back on the path to being our true selves. While we are here we face the natural man. It is the part of us that turns away from our core to one of the world. It seems brighter, stronger, and even worth more, but honestly it darker, weaker, and worth absolutely nothing.

We must decide which we will let be who we are. As the last few weeks have helped me to decide who I am. I am not the person that people say I am. I am not the person who gets so caught up that I miss that point. I am not going to apologize for who I am or be accountable for others mistakes. I will be accountable for who I am and what I do and if I need to I will apologize, but I am done trying to be someone I am not.

At a moment of weakness this last week I thought that I was never going to be me. I noticed that lately I keep turning to be something that I'm not. I found myself doubting every decision I have ever made and not willing to stand up for myself. It hit me that I can't force people to see me as me. They either see me for me or they see me for something other then what they want me to be. The fact of the matter is I will always be me.

I am blunt, but not cruel. I am strong, but not tough. I am sarcastic, but not mean. I am me, but not the me you want me to be. I am done apologizing for who I am and the personality that I have. If you don't like it then you don't need to be around it. I don't need to sell myself for others to accept me. The people in my life who are really there see me for who I am and love me for ME!

This also goes towards my love life. I am done trying to sell myself for a guy to see how great I am. I know there is a guy out there for me who will see me for me and think DAMN why has no one snatched this girl. Until then I will hold my head high and keep going.

I will apologize for my mistakes, but not who I am. I will not be someone you think I should, but I will be true to myself. I will take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for the mistake of others. Most importantly I will stick to my core and my values. I will stand up for what is right and not back down. Amidst all that I have experienced I know that I have done my best and given my all.

My decision

So the last little while I have been debating if I should tell the person that I like them. After recent events I decided no! Besides I got the answer without having to tell him to his face. So I also made an imprtant decision about my future. I am going to push myself to graduate sooner. Hopefully this time next year I will be getting ready to walk. Not only across the stage, but to the next step in my life.

I will be applying for grad school and it will be outside Utah. My dream college is number one and then I have no idea, but I feel strongly it is time for me to leave this place for awhile. Besides in order to be the best social worker and counselor I need to go where I will best be able to benefit my clients.

As far as the other aspects of my life go...I don't know anymore. Life has a way of reminding me what pain feels like so I will just accept it and do what I can to better others lifes. Sorry this isn't one of my more upbeat blogs, but well I just don't feel like being upbeat today. So there are the two biggest decisions. Well three counting that I don't want to fake upbeat!

No I still love and I will be okay, but right now I am pissed and hurt.

YOU

When life gets to overwhelming and I am wondering what to do I stop and sit awhile thinking of you.

I never knew what to do or even if I should say, but all I really wanted was for you to feel the same.

It never seemed realistic and I didn't want to cry, but unfortunately the tears still come falling from my eyes.

Why is my heart this way, why won't it change, why is it that it doesn't seem to be the same with you near.

I don't know how to tell you exactly how I feel please just remember it is because of fear and others along the way.

You'll never know how I feel or what it has done for me just remember it is you who taught me how to believe.

Idiot to Finding Myself in less then 24 hrs

Alright so I started to write about how big of an idiot I was, but it turned into something more. You see the last little while I have had three experiences that have hurt or left a permanent mark. One was a friend blowing up at me and two were about mislead communication. I wanted to write about how stupid they were and how it was all their fault, but I found myself once again. This time however, I noticed important facts that I had forgotten until now. The first is what love is to me:

Love is a funny thing. Love means to me never having to say your sorry, fighting together not with, seeing someones whole self and knowing there is nothing you would change even if there are flaws, believing that you can let go of the edge because they will always have your hand, and most importantly love is wanting the other person to be happy even if it means without you.

I understand that now because I have truly been blessed to love a few people in my life in such away that was selfless. I could have been happy with three separate guys, two found something better, and one was just not meant to be. I loved them enough to let it go and not hate them for not choosing me.

The second thing is:

You cannot live this life without pain. Without experiencing pain, sorrow, trials, and tribulations you will never experience love, happiness, healing, and blessings. You must have both to truly experience life. Although we want to protect ourselves from pain we actually end up putting ourselves through more. I did this for years. I protected myself, but in the long run I found I caused more damage then good. I am over coming this every day and that is what life is about. Over coming the moments that knock the breath out of us and enjoying the moments that take our breath away!

The third thing is:

No matter what I have been blessed to experience love. True it hasn't always worked out the way that I wanted it to, but I have been lucky to say I have had a chance to love in this life. Yes I am going to be twenty-five and more then anything I want to be married and become a mother. Will this happen? I believe it will, but when I have no idea. But if I look in an eternal perspective I will see how wonderfully lucky I am to have loved and lost then never to experience love at all. Better yet because of this love I am more able and willing to love my friends and family in such away they will never question if I love them or feel as if they have lost my love.

Overall no matter what is happening in my life right now I know it is going to be okay. Yes I can be sad, mad, or ready to kill, but it is but a moment before I realize the greatness of it all. Trials come into your life and it is up to you to decide what to make out of it a heap of crap or a chance to get a little higher off the ground. I feel my heart healing from the recent pain. Although I do not know how easily my heart is ready to try again I do know it will.