Mistake

I woke up this morning to four teenagers in the hot tub. At one o’clock in the morning I wanted to kill them, but as the time progressed I realized they were just being stupid kids and I felt bad for them. Sometime while I was dealing with all of this my heart stopped and I realized that I had broken my heart. I was standing outside in the rain when I watched a car pull in. It was him and right then my heart sank and I was ready to cry. I couldn’t though because the cops would have been a little confused, but trust me as soon as I got home I did. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize it would hurt this bad.



It sucks that we can’t force life to happen the way that we want, but we can decide to screw it up. I will be fine. My friends keep telling me it will be fine and it was a good thing, but if this is true why does my heart hurt so badly? I lost a great friend. Then there is my family, well my mom, who pulls me to the perspective of why would I do something so stupid? I love her. She then proceeds to tell me why. I guess I am the screw up everyone thinks. I can’t undo what I did. There is no way to fix it so now I must live with the consequences. I should have listened better. I should have thought longer. I don’t want to live with regrets so eventually I will understand this, but for now my heart hurts. I can’t force it to not feel or to forgive me for causing it pain.

Hard Decisions

In our lives we must make hard decisions.  These decisions can make or break us, but it doesn't make it any easier to make them.   This last week I have made some bigger decisions.  I am setting goals to follow my dreams.  I know the road ahead is rough, but it is well worth the journey to know for once I really am where I am meant to be.

In order to truly be me I have to make sure that I follow the person I am.  Somewhere along my life's journeyI chose to hide who I was. I try to act like it doesn't matter when people comment on my weight, my attitude, or my flaws, but truly apart of me dies each time.  100% of the reason I am the way I am is because I chose to allow people's opinion be my beliefs and views of myself.  Luckily for me Heavenly Father put some pretty amazing people in my life to help me change it.

I am beautiful.  Yeah I have some extra weight on me,  but I am so much more then the weight.  I have amazing eyes that show my soul, beautiful lips that help support and encourage, strong arms to hold up a friend, strong shoulders to carry the weight of the world, and an overall amazing body that houses the wonderful true me.

My attitude..well that makes me the me I enjoy.  I have my good attitudes and my not so good attitudes.  My good attitude pushes me to be more then I ever thought I could be, helps others to smile, and pushes others along the way.  My bad holds me and others back.  I am consistantly improving that aspect of me as well.

My flaws are my flaws.  I am here on this earth to work on them.  It takes time to buff out the flaws.  The point is I am working on the flaws that I need to work on.  They are mine and with the help of the Lord I will finally be able to overcome each of them.

No longer will I forget these important truths.  No longer will I allow others the power.  I will continue with the strength I have in the Lord to be the me I want to be and know I am.   Today I made a hard decision.  Although I know it was the right thing it still sucks.  I will be okay and I know others will be okay to.  Hard decisions sometimes suck, but they also give us the greater push to overcome!

Grateful Amazement!

“We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.” Eliza R. Snow

I am so amazed at the love the Lord has for me. I also am amazed by His ever encompassing guidance in my life. These last few months have been filled with growing experiences. It has taken me this long to call them growing experiences, but none the less I have learned so much.

I have found myself time and time again asking why me. Why has the Lord given me so great responsibility? Does He know who He has given this to? Seriously I think He has me confused with someone else because He can’t really believe I am this strong? The answer to all of this is yes He absolutely knows who I am and that is why I have such great responsibility. The responsibilities I have been given are not always easy to perform. There are times I find myself pleading for His understanding in my afflictions because I cannot do what I know I need to. At these moments He gently raps His arms around me and lets me cry into His lap. Then He dries the tear, lifts me back on my feet, and encourages me onward.

I know that Heavenly Father is aware of the righteous desires of my heart. Someday they will come, but until then I am to prepare myself and carry upward and onward. I am learning that in His refinement I am able to see Him in me. I am grateful that amidst the fire around me He knows when to pull me out. Even when I get upset and plead for Him to pull me out early He does what is best and waits until the time is right. I am blessed and my faith continues to grow. A friend once told me you can’t grow without the growing pains. This statement is true! I want to add that down the road these growing pains are worth having because then you appreciate the end result!!!!

I found myself loosing sight of this last little while, but again my Father and Brother were there to remind me. I am who I am and I will not be ashamed. For inside my heart and eyes you will see the person they know me to be!