I Wouldn't Change It for ANYTHING

Life has been an amazing adventure since I moved to DC.  There have been moments where I have thrown my hands in the air and prepared to pack and head home, but every time I have there have been these amazing calm moments of pure joy and peace reminding me why I am here.  I have learned to appreciate and cherish these moments because no matter what life throws at me these moments remind me everything that I need to know.

The first moment I remember is when I touched down on the plane.  I looked out the window and I had an overwhelming since of happiness and home.  Then I stepped off the plane and experienced the storm as life happened, but again after a deep breath and a good friend's ear I was able to recognize the feeling of being home.

The second moment I remember is sitting in church looking up at a speaker and having a sense of familiarity.  Soon again life happened and I lost track of this moment until I again sat down took a deep breath and closed my eyes.  The feeling of familiarity came flooding back.

The third moment I remember is after a long day at my internship and I was overwhelmed and burned out for the day.  The metro was a fifteen minute wait and all I wanted was to be in bed.  As I looked past the tracks an overwhelming sense of peace came reassuring me that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I took a deep breath and enjoyed the moment.  Soon after life happened and I found myself questioning my decision to move clear across the country from my family and friends.  Before I could even take a deep breath this moment came back and I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be.

The fourth moment I remember happened long before I came to DC.  I remember waking from a dream with a sense of hope, joy, and love.  Since this dream has happened life has occurred.  I find myself struggling to remember this moment at times, but again and again it comes back to me and I fear nothing.  

These are four moments in comparison to the millions of moments that I have recently had, but they make all the other moments come back into perspective. If I didn't have life happen I would never appreciate the moments where I am given a since of home, familiarity, hope, joy, love, and an overwhelming feeling of being where I am meant to be.  I wouldn't change my life for anything!  That is how I know I am blessed and how I know I truly am experiencing happiness!!!!     

I am who I am and I am done fighting

Well once again I find myself fighting the battle over who I am.  I am comfortable with who I am.  I found my identity and personality over the past few years and finally felt confident.  Due to recent circumstances I began to question what was wrong with me and I was humbled at the answer of nothing.  Why do we always assume something is wrong with someone if that person has a different personality, religion, gender, sexual orientation, or anything else that makes a person a person?

I am a strong independent woman.  I am not a bitch nor do I purposely try to hurt another person.  I am the first person to apologize if I know something I said hurt someone. With that said I am also the first person to call someone else out on their crap.  Yes I do need to learn how to do this less abruptly, but I will never be able to coddle.  I am passionate about certain topics which also means I am very educated in that topic.  It may come across as brash when I discuss it, but again don't you when you are passionate about something?

My point in this is to remind you that I am Cheri.  I am not a bitch, insensitive, rude, hateful, or whatever negative thing you want to say about me.  If you perceive this let me clarify for you one last time because I am tired of fighting this battle.  I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, INTELLIGENT, CARING, HONEST, HARD WORKING, DEVOTED, LOYAL, TRUST WORTHY, FRIEND, CONFIDENT IN MY IDENTITY, AND HUMAN.  

THIS ALSO MEANS I HAVE WEAKNESSES, BUT THEY SURE THE HELL OUR NOT YOURS TO POINT OUT BECAUSE JUST LIKE ME YOU HAVE THEM TOO!!!! 

So if you feel the need to look at mine can I suggest first to work on your own and then once you are perfect I might seek for your help in mine.  Blunt yes did I forget to mention that as well ;). If you cannot except me as I am then feel free to not associate with me.  I won't hold it against you because that is your right and I won't feel bad, but don't take it as an invitation to say what you want about me.  I am done fighting!  Not because I am weak, but because I am finally strong enough to just be me and be happy!  For those who see me as me and love me THANK YOU!  

Independence Day!!

Many people celebrate today and I find myself questioning what are they celebrating?  Over two hundred years ago we gained our countries independence from England is that what we are celebrating?  Are we celebrating independence  within our nation?  Within other nations?  What exactly does Independence Day represent?  I do not or cannot say what it means for others, but I can and of course will tell you what it represents for me!

Independence Day is a day I wake up grateful to live in a country where I can independently decide my religion, education, clothes, friends, husband, language, opinions, and everything else that makes me who I am.  I wake with gratitude in my heart for all the men and women who have fought on my behalf for my independence whether it be through war, politics, civil justice, or social justice acts.  I then close my eyes and pray that the independence I has thus experienced be what I experience that day and that others are blessed to the same experience.  I then get out of bed and reality hits.

I am very fortunate to experience independence in all it's glory because I am a white, straight, middle aged, middle class, born US citizen.  No I didn't forget that I am a female because that limits some of my independence, any who tangent.  I cannot help, but think this Independence Day of those less fortunate within my country that do not have the same independence.  Why?  If we came seeking originally religious independence and independence from the king why then do we still dictate who gets what?  Now I am not saying people should be able to kill if they want to or rape or anything to that extreme, but what about people of color are they truly experiencing all the independence our country has to offer?  Are people in the LGBTQI community enjoying independence? Why do we dictate others independence?

I am so GRATEFUL for the men and women who have contributed in the past, present, and will in the future to my independence.  I just hope that they will also contribute to others who don't.  I love my country and all of my fellow country men!!!! 

Who Am I? A Loaded Question.

When we ask ourselves the question: who am I are we looking for the real answer or just the superficial answer? Do we understand the magnitude of that question?  Are we able to sifter between who I am and what I am?  Is there a difference?  Over the last several years I have been in search of my own personal answer to who I am.  I know who others tell me I am or what aspects contribute to who I am, but only I can define for myself who I am.

This journey started when I took an introductory class to oppression.  In this we had to identify the main parts of our identity.  For me these parts are: White, Straight, Female, Christian, Young Adult, Temporarily Abled Body.  To me these are what I am.  Who I am comes from what I do with what I am.  I know sounds a little confusing, but it is me and I will elaborate. 

The first thing that comes to my mind is the line: Who I am is who I wanna be, from the song I'm a Survivor.  I found myself at the start of my journey deciding if I was who I wanted to be, if I wanted to be something more, different, or if I really was anything.  Although I believe I will be on this journey my full life I also believe I have a firm foundation of who I am.

I am Cheri Danielle Mills.  A woman who has seen a lot and is ready to see so much more.  I am kind, considerate, educated, hard working, proud, sensitive, responsible, and giving.  I have my moments of selfishness, insecurities, doubt, and fear, but those moments only add to who I am.  I know it seems that I have just listed a bunch of words, but these words lead to the actions that support who I am.  I have blunt moments and sugar coating moments.  I do not regret anything in my life for everything that I have done at one time is what I thought was right for the time.  I own my responsibilities and consequences.  Really in the end I am just Cheri Danielle Mills and I don't want to be anyone else.  

I don't know if this is clear or not, but who we are is who we choose to be.  When we accept ourselves imperfections and all we are able to be the great people we are.  I am not ashamed of who I am because who I am is making a difference.  I hope as others go on this journey that they will find themselves at the conclusion of peace and joy as well as being who they want to be!!

Rule not the exception!!!

Alright I guess it is time for one of my little rantings. First I want to say I love the movie He's Just Not That Into You why because it is the TRUTH!!!  That's right my single friends the man in the movie is telling the cold hard truth and I believe it is time we realize it.

With that said I want to focus on the fact that we are the rules not the exceptions and if we are the exception the person we are an exception to the rule for will let us know we are the exception not the rule.  Our friends cannot tell us we are the exception to the rule because the truth is they are just trying to spare our feelings. 

When reality finally hits, and with all the bs it hits hard, we tend to get mad at the person for us not being the exception, but that is in no way their fault.  After all we do not force ourselves to have exceptions to our rules right?  Here is where the ranting comes to the point of clarification.  We need to stop building fantasies in our minds and live in the reality.  Does this mean that you are not going to be upset or hurt from rejection? I am not exactly sure, but I don't think we will fall as hard.  

Now I am not saying give up on liking someone until they clarify for you that you are the exception.  I am saying take a chance, flirt a little, then leave it up to the other person.  Do not build the fairytale in your mind of how it will end because chances are it will end and it will not end the way you want it.

Now the optimistic part of me is coming out.  When we do not limit ourselves to believing we are the exception to the rule we allow ourselves to be open for the person we are the exception for.  A wise friend once told me that to hold on means I truly do not believe I am good enough to be the exception to the rule for someone. This is because holding on to the wrong person means I try to change myself to become what they want me to be so I can be the exception, but this is at the cost of who I am!  So by stop thinking we are the exception to the rule we will become it without forcing it.  I don't know if this all comes together, but this is something that has been bothering me for a few days now!!!  We are all someone's exception, but we don't get to decide who that someone is!  To all my single friends you are the exception to the rule, but do not ask me if you are for a specific person because if you do I will tell you NO!  Not out of being insincere, but because I am trying to spare your feelings in the long run!

May Third Something I Wore Today

I simply wore a smile.  Ok really I wore clothes, but this was what I truly focused on wearing all day!

May Second Skyline

Provo skyline from Y Mountain. 

 Much like my life the journey was difficult, but the view was worth it!

May First Peace

Peace comes when I am away from the hustle and bustle of my everyday routine.  

I love the mountains because it is the one place where no one or nothing asks anything of me.  

Typically it is here that I am able to recenter and let go of whatever troubles I have.

A New Chapter Starts with a New Challenge!

I just finished one of the many chapters of my life.  I graduated with a BA in Deaf Studies.  I am excited to start the next chapter in graduate school in DC however, that isn't until August.  So I have a between chapter interlude where I am wanting to really try new things.  So to start for the month of May I am going to do a picture a day challenge.  Yes I know I am already a day behind, but I will catch up.  I hope by doing this I will begin to step outside my comfort zone. 

Life has a funny way of taking us on a great Adventure

As I listened to my professor bring the class to a close last Friday I found myself misty eyed.  It finally sunk in that this will be my last class at Utah Valley University, my last class with professors I have grown to admire, and my last class with several of my friends.  I have been waiting for this for I don't know how long, but now that it is here I can't help looking back wondering how I got here.  When I graduated from High School I was determined to become a Physical Therapist, be a wonderful wife, and a terrific mom all before the age of twenty-seven however, none of that is what I am today.

I served a mission when I was twenty-one that changed not only my spirituality, but also my career dream.  I came in contact with a community that one my heart and I couldn't walk away from.  I came home started the Deaf Studies Program at Utah Valley and am now on the path to graduate school.  My dream of being a wife and mother is still there however, it is just not my time yet.

In August I leave to go to Washington, D.C.to attend Gallaudet University for the Masters in Social Work Program.  I have a few friends out in this area, but for the most part I am going out to the unknown.  I can't even begin to express the excitement I feel over this.  Years ago I would never have imagined I would be where I am today, but the best part is I wouldn't change it for a thing.

My life has not turned out the way I wanted, but it has turned out greater than I could have ever dreamed.  I love who I am and where I am going.  I have an amazing family that loves me, supports me and encourages me to reach my dreams.  I have fantastic friends who support me, see me as I am, and help me to grow.  I have had many professors who have become my second family as they have challenged me and pushed me when I was ready to give up. My life is an adventure that keeps getting more wonderful ever day I get to experience!

Think twice to speak once

"Do you like your job?  You don't seem very chipper?"  This was said to me today and my response was I am sorry.  The person walked out of my lobby and my eyes filled with tears.  I sat stunned at the fact that a person could say two sentences full of so much judgment when they had no idea what I was going through.  Was I mean? No, but I wasn't overly chipper and smiling.  For about thirty minutes this continued to stew making my eyes stay filled with tears. Even now as I write this there are tears in my eyes here is why..

"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" although my world seems to be perfect on the outside there is an inner sorrow that everyone doesn't see.  I carry it locked inside because it is a sorrow I must go through.  It isn't going to kill me or be something that is a big deal to most, but for me sometimes it effects my ability to be the happy out going me.  Today was one of those days I needed the compassion that wasn't there.

So I continued to stew until again that sentence came into my mind with the remainder of lyrics; "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see.  Who am I to judge another Lord I would follow Thee."  Chances are the person who said this is having just as hard of a day as I am and knowing how much this hurt I decided not to say anything.  I still wish this person would have thought about this before they said what they said, but then to follow in the Lord's footsteps I need to forgive and let it go.

I know there are days where I am not the nicest person or I could have not said something, but I cannot go back and change that now.  So for me this has become my motto "sometimes we make judgments and say things we cannot take back without knowing more that what we see so think twice to speak once before the words you say can never be taken back."

Is Nothing Really Something?

In a recent article I read the question popped into my head is nothing really something?  Is nothing really someone else's something?  Before I continue with my thoughts here is the article.

http://www.npr.org/blogs/krulwich/2012/03/12/148456099/two-ways-to-think-about-nothing



This article addresses two types of nothing: one that we see as nothing because it doesn't appear to be like other things around it and two something that was, but then gets taken away.  Here are my thoughts on these two nothings.

See nothing because it doesn't appear to be like other things:  How many times in our lives have we felt like we are nothing in comparison to those around us.  I know for me I believed this for the majority of my life.  I was never as skinny, as pretty, as popular, as gentle, etc.  Truth is just because I wasn't like everyone around me did not make me a nothing.  There is so much that makes me something.  My whit, my attitude, my love, my passion, my compassion, really everything about me makes me something even if I don't look the same as the worldly something!

Something that was, but that gets taken away: In our lives there is always something that we cherish and loose.  Sometimes we have pictures or something to remind us, but if all we have is a memory without a physical thing does that make it nothing?  They happened so they're something whether there is proof or not they occurred. 

This also has me thinking about my choice of career.  I will be working with children who have encountered abuse.  It is possible that all signs of the abuse to the worldly view is gone, but the child knows what they experienced.  To the average person there seems to be nothing there, but to those who know what occurred know can see what is missing.  However, now my question becomes can you truly erase something so it becomes nothing?  What adds value to something? Who determines this value?

My response and thought is this: nothing is something we cannot add or subtract value from.  It is something to someone so we cannot dictate a value.  There is more to nothing than just nothing.  Think when a woman is upset she says its nothing, but really it's something.  We value something as nothing to us, but it is something to someone else.  I know this may be confusing, but for me it changed my perspective on nothingness.

Life is but a dream....

There are moments when I am sitting in the quiet stillness and I have to remind myself that this is reality not just a dream.  Yet tonight as I was pondering my life and the events that are unfolding I decided life is but a dream.  I am living my dreams.  Every goal I set is a dream and luckily I live in a world where I can achieve my dreams. 

In April I will be graduating UVU with my bachelor's degree in Deaf Studies.  This was not my initial dream, but it has given me everything I have dreamt about having.  I have found a greater appreciation for myself through the Deaf Studies and I have even found a greater appreciation of diversity, languages, and various perspectives.  It is also through this program that I was able to find my next dream and get excited for the next reality to step in.

I do not know where I am going or what will occur, but I do know my life truly is but a dream I want to keep living!!!

This is love!!!!!!

It's that time of year where couples act romantic and singles complain of loneliness.  People hate this holiday which seems ironic since the holiday is based on love.  Something about this has me confused, but has also allowed me to truly understand choices in my life.

Love is an amazing thing.  It is something we spend our wholes lives looking for, trying to give, and wondering if we will ever really experience all that it encompasses.  We say we have loved and lost, but this again to me doesn't sound correct.  So in honor of Valentine's Day here is my take on love.

When a person tries to define love really all they are doing is describing attributes of love.  Love is undefinable only because it is the most powerful thing one person can ever experience.  Hence why I believe we do not love and loose we actually love stronger than we ever thought was possible.

I know of a girl who truly loved someone stronger than she thought or understood.  She met him and right away she felt a connection.  Like most love stories the relationship moved fast and forever was discussed, but these two didn't capture forever together.  She broke up with him because in her heart she knew she couldn't be his forever.  They both wanted different things and although both loved enough to sacrifice in her heart she knew this wasn't what either truly needed.  She smiled when she was informed he had found his true eternity.

This is love!!!!!!!!

A husband holds the hand of his dying wife.  He looks in her eyes for the last time reassuring her of her beauty, strength, courage, and wisdom.  He asks for any final advice and she gentle whispers, "It's okay not to stay single for long."

This is love!!!!!!!

A man and a woman promise their hearts to each other.  On their anniversary fifty years later they hold hands as they look across at the friends and family who have witnessed the good times, bad times, moments of great joy, and moments of deepest sorrow.

This is love!!!!!!!

A girl let's go of any type of hope with the guy who told her, "I will never date you." and asks if he is okay when his world hits a few bumps.

This is love!!!!!!!

This same girl realizes someday she will have the opportunity to be loved the way she has loved others.

This is LOVE!!!!!!!

My hope is this Valentine's Day we will pause a brief moment and really look at what love means in our lives, how we have experienced love, and what love has for us in the future!  I know I am grateful for the love I have experienced and look forward to the love I will have the opportunity to experience the rest of my life.  I am not sad because I am single I am glad that I know what love is!

2012 My Year!!!

Have you ever woke up looking at the ceiling smiling because you don't know exactly what, but you know something amazing is coming your way?  Well everyday I wake up this year I have that feeling that this year is my year.
Graduating in April to go to graduate school, yet to determine where, is an amazing feeling of achievement.  I have felt this only a few times in my life and it still holds the same amount of joy.
This year is my year to get healthy.  It isn't a goal to loose umpteen pounds or look a specific way, but to feel amazing every time I look in the mirror, smile on the inside as well as the outside, and enjoy spending time by myself.  I will balance my life and unleash the phenomenal woman that lies within.

I am ready for whatever 2012 has to offer me!!