Decisions come and go then we are left to see where life takes us. These last few months a lot has changed in my life. I've lost friends, postponed grad school,changed my perspective of life, and made decisions that will change my life. Now I am about to embark on a new chapter of my life. A little afraid, but more excited to see what lies around the corner. I've made a few decisions that with this chapter of my life are going to be different. I am going to laugh more, live for the moment, love with all I have, and make a difference every chance I get.
So the beginning of this chapter begins with me moving. I am moving back to Spanish Fork with my sister and her husband. Not the same sister that I have been living with. I am excited to see what this brings. I have decided that I will use this new move to start the new chapter in my life. This will include loosing weight, finishing up my BA, applying for grad school, and whatever the Lord sees fit to put in my path. With this blog I will mark the good times the bad, the moments that change my life and the ones that just make my life. A new outlook and a new attitude is all I needed and this is my chance.
People will no longer dictate who I am or who I will be. I am going to live my life and accept all that includes. I am not going to have regrets and I am going to allow myself the chance to just live. Life is about living and mine is about to start a new chance for me.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Big and Beautiful!
For so long I have been apologizing for who I am. Trying to change my personality or trying to be someone that someone wants me to be. I have hung my head low because I have felt so fat and ugly unworthy of being seen as the person that I truly I am. Today however, that changed for me. The unusual part is that I went shopping. Usually this is an awful experience, but as I looked in the mirror and tried clothes on I saw myself differently. I am not a size 2, thank goodness, but I am absolutely beautiful. I have amazing eyes that show a deeper light, a simple dimple that shows only when I smile for real, strong shoulders that carry the weight of my world, a nice rack :), soft curves that accent and add character, a booty that softens my falls, strong legs that take me where I need to go, arms that are always outstretched for whom ever needs them, and a heart that is true.
I am not going to be ashamed of who I am or my size. If others cannot handle it then they can walk a way from me. I am no longer going to fight to get people to accept me. I am not going to sell myself for someone to see me for a treasure that I am. Being single is hard especially because I am not beautiful by worldly standards, but I am beautiful by Heavenly Father's standards and for once that is more then enough for me. I am a great catch and someday the right person will know that. He will wonder how I could have been over looked for so long. Not only that, but the people in my life who continually judge or try to change me will one day realize this as well. I always offer love, support, comfort, joy, fun, truth, and a heart. I am not going to change! I don't want to! I am big and beautiful! If you can't handle this then don't worry because you don't have to.
I feel stronger and prouder of who I am. I am going to continue to make changes that I want to make, but they will because I want to not because someone else thinks I should!
I am not going to be ashamed of who I am or my size. If others cannot handle it then they can walk a way from me. I am no longer going to fight to get people to accept me. I am not going to sell myself for someone to see me for a treasure that I am. Being single is hard especially because I am not beautiful by worldly standards, but I am beautiful by Heavenly Father's standards and for once that is more then enough for me. I am a great catch and someday the right person will know that. He will wonder how I could have been over looked for so long. Not only that, but the people in my life who continually judge or try to change me will one day realize this as well. I always offer love, support, comfort, joy, fun, truth, and a heart. I am not going to change! I don't want to! I am big and beautiful! If you can't handle this then don't worry because you don't have to.
I feel stronger and prouder of who I am. I am going to continue to make changes that I want to make, but they will because I want to not because someone else thinks I should!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Clarity
Do you ever have those moments where there is just complete clarity? Where you have been fighting a truth for so long and then it just dawns on you? Today I had that. It hit me at the strangest moment, but none the less it hit. One second I was laughing the next I was crying. Although I felt as if a rug was pulled out from under me it didn't hurt as bad as I thought. Yeah it hurt, but at the same time there was peace.
The tender mercies of the Lord come to comfort and strengthen. It is this that I find myself most grateful for. The clarity I received isn't the answer that I wanted yet He gave it in the most gentle way. Reminding me of the wonderful aspects of who I am. Not the me everyone tends to see, but the real me.
Today in Relief Society we talked about the Saviors life. The teacher did this in a fresh way. What she had us do is remember a story of Christ's life and connect it with an experience in our life. The story I felt related to my life was the one with the adulterous woman. It isn't because I am committing adultery. It is because of my life. See something I realized was that I have been allowing the judgments and condemnation of others to make me feel like I am not worthy of anything good. I sit with my held hanging low because I feel as though I do not deserve respect or love. I actually believe that I am not a good person. However today I realized that Christ has paid the price. He knows my past and has told me to sin no more. He is allowing me to walk away and become better. He is allowing myself to see the mistakes I make and change me ways.
I will no longer condemn myself or allow myself to believe I do not deserve the great blessings that are in store for me. I am going to allow myself to reach the potential that is staring me in the face. I am working on my imperfections and I am trying to perfect myself through the Atonement of my Savior. To my Father in Heaven and my Savior I do answer for the things in my life that I do, but I will not answer for the judgments or ideals others place on me.
Clarity comes in the moments we need it not when we want it. It isn't always the clarity we want either, but it is a loving Heavenly Father guiding His children. That truth I cling to knowing He sees more than me and at all times loves me!
The tender mercies of the Lord come to comfort and strengthen. It is this that I find myself most grateful for. The clarity I received isn't the answer that I wanted yet He gave it in the most gentle way. Reminding me of the wonderful aspects of who I am. Not the me everyone tends to see, but the real me.
Today in Relief Society we talked about the Saviors life. The teacher did this in a fresh way. What she had us do is remember a story of Christ's life and connect it with an experience in our life. The story I felt related to my life was the one with the adulterous woman. It isn't because I am committing adultery. It is because of my life. See something I realized was that I have been allowing the judgments and condemnation of others to make me feel like I am not worthy of anything good. I sit with my held hanging low because I feel as though I do not deserve respect or love. I actually believe that I am not a good person. However today I realized that Christ has paid the price. He knows my past and has told me to sin no more. He is allowing me to walk away and become better. He is allowing myself to see the mistakes I make and change me ways.
I will no longer condemn myself or allow myself to believe I do not deserve the great blessings that are in store for me. I am going to allow myself to reach the potential that is staring me in the face. I am working on my imperfections and I am trying to perfect myself through the Atonement of my Savior. To my Father in Heaven and my Savior I do answer for the things in my life that I do, but I will not answer for the judgments or ideals others place on me.
Clarity comes in the moments we need it not when we want it. It isn't always the clarity we want either, but it is a loving Heavenly Father guiding His children. That truth I cling to knowing He sees more than me and at all times loves me!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Running
Some times I find in life that there are moments where we run. We run from what we long for most due to fear. Thinking at that moment that we are doing what is best, but really we are giving up the best thing for us. I am use to running, been running most of my life, but I know I can’t run forever nor do I want to anymore.
We all have something we want, dream of, or desire most. For some it is a relationship, a family, an education, a career, a talent, or just the next step in our lives. Sometimes it seems to be coming so easily that we fear it is too good to be true. I currently am in this stage. I am getting the education I have always longed for. About to apply for the school of my dreams and achieve the career that I feel I was created to do. I am terrified! This fear is natural. This fear is there in some cases because it is us stepping out of our comfort zone into the will of the Lord. It is also a tool Satan uses to get us to run from the path. Then there are other times it is just our insecurities.
We run because we think that it won’t hurt as bad, that we don’t deserve it, or even that we don’t truly have enough to offer. This is another deception. If we are presented with our dreams, desires, needs, or wants we must remember by whom it was given. It is natural to fear something when it is something we feel inadequate about. The thing to remember is that if we turn this over to the Lord He will give us the direction. It means casting aside our doubts and replacing them with faith.
I have great faith that the Lord will lead me! He always has. He knows me better then I know myself and wants the best for me. I am finding things that are best for me I never dreamt of. Now when I feel like running I do, but I run into His loving embrace and allow him to teach me the truth. My inadequacies are swallowed up in His perfect love and knowledge. I know I deserve my dreams, desires, and needs. Not always do I get what I want, but I usually receive blessings I never thought I was good enough for.
I know I have a lot to offer my family, my friends, the world, and my future family. I know I am not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I do not deserve blessings or have nothing to offer. I have me to offer. I come with a shoulder to lean on that has the great strength to bear burdens, a heart that gives and receives loves without holding back, experiences for the better and worse that continually makes me wiser, compassion that can help heal a wounded soul, arms that give comfort, strength, help and support to any within their reach or embrace, eyes that share the light and love of the Lord, a smile that brings joy and understanding, and legs to go the distance.
There will still be moments that I forget, fear, or loose faith in myself, but I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who will not let me forget that which I know. I know this life is going to have its difficulties, but I know it doesn’t matter because they have been over come. It was this act of a loving Brother that helps me put my running shoes away and walk along the path that has been laid before me.
We all have something we want, dream of, or desire most. For some it is a relationship, a family, an education, a career, a talent, or just the next step in our lives. Sometimes it seems to be coming so easily that we fear it is too good to be true. I currently am in this stage. I am getting the education I have always longed for. About to apply for the school of my dreams and achieve the career that I feel I was created to do. I am terrified! This fear is natural. This fear is there in some cases because it is us stepping out of our comfort zone into the will of the Lord. It is also a tool Satan uses to get us to run from the path. Then there are other times it is just our insecurities.
We run because we think that it won’t hurt as bad, that we don’t deserve it, or even that we don’t truly have enough to offer. This is another deception. If we are presented with our dreams, desires, needs, or wants we must remember by whom it was given. It is natural to fear something when it is something we feel inadequate about. The thing to remember is that if we turn this over to the Lord He will give us the direction. It means casting aside our doubts and replacing them with faith.
I have great faith that the Lord will lead me! He always has. He knows me better then I know myself and wants the best for me. I am finding things that are best for me I never dreamt of. Now when I feel like running I do, but I run into His loving embrace and allow him to teach me the truth. My inadequacies are swallowed up in His perfect love and knowledge. I know I deserve my dreams, desires, and needs. Not always do I get what I want, but I usually receive blessings I never thought I was good enough for.
I know I have a lot to offer my family, my friends, the world, and my future family. I know I am not perfect, but that doesn’t mean I do not deserve blessings or have nothing to offer. I have me to offer. I come with a shoulder to lean on that has the great strength to bear burdens, a heart that gives and receives loves without holding back, experiences for the better and worse that continually makes me wiser, compassion that can help heal a wounded soul, arms that give comfort, strength, help and support to any within their reach or embrace, eyes that share the light and love of the Lord, a smile that brings joy and understanding, and legs to go the distance.
There will still be moments that I forget, fear, or loose faith in myself, but I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who will not let me forget that which I know. I know this life is going to have its difficulties, but I know it doesn’t matter because they have been over come. It was this act of a loving Brother that helps me put my running shoes away and walk along the path that has been laid before me.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Mistake
I woke up this morning to four teenagers in the hot tub. At one o’clock in the morning I wanted to kill them, but as the time progressed I realized they were just being stupid kids and I felt bad for them. Sometime while I was dealing with all of this my heart stopped and I realized that I had broken my heart. I was standing outside in the rain when I watched a car pull in. It was him and right then my heart sank and I was ready to cry. I couldn’t though because the cops would have been a little confused, but trust me as soon as I got home I did. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t realize it would hurt this bad.
It sucks that we can’t force life to happen the way that we want, but we can decide to screw it up. I will be fine. My friends keep telling me it will be fine and it was a good thing, but if this is true why does my heart hurt so badly? I lost a great friend. Then there is my family, well my mom, who pulls me to the perspective of why would I do something so stupid? I love her. She then proceeds to tell me why. I guess I am the screw up everyone thinks. I can’t undo what I did. There is no way to fix it so now I must live with the consequences. I should have listened better. I should have thought longer. I don’t want to live with regrets so eventually I will understand this, but for now my heart hurts. I can’t force it to not feel or to forgive me for causing it pain.
It sucks that we can’t force life to happen the way that we want, but we can decide to screw it up. I will be fine. My friends keep telling me it will be fine and it was a good thing, but if this is true why does my heart hurt so badly? I lost a great friend. Then there is my family, well my mom, who pulls me to the perspective of why would I do something so stupid? I love her. She then proceeds to tell me why. I guess I am the screw up everyone thinks. I can’t undo what I did. There is no way to fix it so now I must live with the consequences. I should have listened better. I should have thought longer. I don’t want to live with regrets so eventually I will understand this, but for now my heart hurts. I can’t force it to not feel or to forgive me for causing it pain.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Hard Decisions
In our lives we must make hard decisions. These decisions can make or break us, but it doesn't make it any easier to make them. This last week I have made some bigger decisions. I am setting goals to follow my dreams. I know the road ahead is rough, but it is well worth the journey to know for once I really am where I am meant to be.
In order to truly be me I have to make sure that I follow the person I am. Somewhere along my life's journeyI chose to hide who I was. I try to act like it doesn't matter when people comment on my weight, my attitude, or my flaws, but truly apart of me dies each time. 100% of the reason I am the way I am is because I chose to allow people's opinion be my beliefs and views of myself. Luckily for me Heavenly Father put some pretty amazing people in my life to help me change it.
I am beautiful. Yeah I have some extra weight on me, but I am so much more then the weight. I have amazing eyes that show my soul, beautiful lips that help support and encourage, strong arms to hold up a friend, strong shoulders to carry the weight of the world, and an overall amazing body that houses the wonderful true me.
My attitude..well that makes me the me I enjoy. I have my good attitudes and my not so good attitudes. My good attitude pushes me to be more then I ever thought I could be, helps others to smile, and pushes others along the way. My bad holds me and others back. I am consistantly improving that aspect of me as well.
My flaws are my flaws. I am here on this earth to work on them. It takes time to buff out the flaws. The point is I am working on the flaws that I need to work on. They are mine and with the help of the Lord I will finally be able to overcome each of them.
No longer will I forget these important truths. No longer will I allow others the power. I will continue with the strength I have in the Lord to be the me I want to be and know I am. Today I made a hard decision. Although I know it was the right thing it still sucks. I will be okay and I know others will be okay to. Hard decisions sometimes suck, but they also give us the greater push to overcome!
In order to truly be me I have to make sure that I follow the person I am. Somewhere along my life's journeyI chose to hide who I was. I try to act like it doesn't matter when people comment on my weight, my attitude, or my flaws, but truly apart of me dies each time. 100% of the reason I am the way I am is because I chose to allow people's opinion be my beliefs and views of myself. Luckily for me Heavenly Father put some pretty amazing people in my life to help me change it.
I am beautiful. Yeah I have some extra weight on me, but I am so much more then the weight. I have amazing eyes that show my soul, beautiful lips that help support and encourage, strong arms to hold up a friend, strong shoulders to carry the weight of the world, and an overall amazing body that houses the wonderful true me.
My attitude..well that makes me the me I enjoy. I have my good attitudes and my not so good attitudes. My good attitude pushes me to be more then I ever thought I could be, helps others to smile, and pushes others along the way. My bad holds me and others back. I am consistantly improving that aspect of me as well.
My flaws are my flaws. I am here on this earth to work on them. It takes time to buff out the flaws. The point is I am working on the flaws that I need to work on. They are mine and with the help of the Lord I will finally be able to overcome each of them.
No longer will I forget these important truths. No longer will I allow others the power. I will continue with the strength I have in the Lord to be the me I want to be and know I am. Today I made a hard decision. Although I know it was the right thing it still sucks. I will be okay and I know others will be okay to. Hard decisions sometimes suck, but they also give us the greater push to overcome!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Grateful Amazement!
“We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.” Eliza R. Snow
I am so amazed at the love the Lord has for me. I also am amazed by His ever encompassing guidance in my life. These last few months have been filled with growing experiences. It has taken me this long to call them growing experiences, but none the less I have learned so much.
I have found myself time and time again asking why me. Why has the Lord given me so great responsibility? Does He know who He has given this to? Seriously I think He has me confused with someone else because He can’t really believe I am this strong? The answer to all of this is yes He absolutely knows who I am and that is why I have such great responsibility. The responsibilities I have been given are not always easy to perform. There are times I find myself pleading for His understanding in my afflictions because I cannot do what I know I need to. At these moments He gently raps His arms around me and lets me cry into His lap. Then He dries the tear, lifts me back on my feet, and encourages me onward.
I know that Heavenly Father is aware of the righteous desires of my heart. Someday they will come, but until then I am to prepare myself and carry upward and onward. I am learning that in His refinement I am able to see Him in me. I am grateful that amidst the fire around me He knows when to pull me out. Even when I get upset and plead for Him to pull me out early He does what is best and waits until the time is right. I am blessed and my faith continues to grow. A friend once told me you can’t grow without the growing pains. This statement is true! I want to add that down the road these growing pains are worth having because then you appreciate the end result!!!!
I found myself loosing sight of this last little while, but again my Father and Brother were there to remind me. I am who I am and I will not be ashamed. For inside my heart and eyes you will see the person they know me to be!
I am so amazed at the love the Lord has for me. I also am amazed by His ever encompassing guidance in my life. These last few months have been filled with growing experiences. It has taken me this long to call them growing experiences, but none the less I have learned so much.
I have found myself time and time again asking why me. Why has the Lord given me so great responsibility? Does He know who He has given this to? Seriously I think He has me confused with someone else because He can’t really believe I am this strong? The answer to all of this is yes He absolutely knows who I am and that is why I have such great responsibility. The responsibilities I have been given are not always easy to perform. There are times I find myself pleading for His understanding in my afflictions because I cannot do what I know I need to. At these moments He gently raps His arms around me and lets me cry into His lap. Then He dries the tear, lifts me back on my feet, and encourages me onward.
I know that Heavenly Father is aware of the righteous desires of my heart. Someday they will come, but until then I am to prepare myself and carry upward and onward. I am learning that in His refinement I am able to see Him in me. I am grateful that amidst the fire around me He knows when to pull me out. Even when I get upset and plead for Him to pull me out early He does what is best and waits until the time is right. I am blessed and my faith continues to grow. A friend once told me you can’t grow without the growing pains. This statement is true! I want to add that down the road these growing pains are worth having because then you appreciate the end result!!!!
I found myself loosing sight of this last little while, but again my Father and Brother were there to remind me. I am who I am and I will not be ashamed. For inside my heart and eyes you will see the person they know me to be!
Monday, April 19, 2010
I'm not better or worse. I am just ME!
No matter what happens in life there is always going to be opposition. It is this opposition that makes life. It is the key element to helping us return home. This opposition gives us knowledge, strength, and hope. We hope for things to work out in our favor and we hope that we will just make it through.
This hope is key to overcoming everything. It is through this hope that we come closer to our Heavenly Father and back on the path to being our true selves. While we are here we face the natural man. It is the part of us that turns away from our core to one of the world. It seems brighter, stronger, and even worth more, but honestly it darker, weaker, and worth absolutely nothing.
We must decide which we will let be who we are. As the last few weeks have helped me to decide who I am. I am not the person that people say I am. I am not the person who gets so caught up that I miss that point. I am not going to apologize for who I am or be accountable for others mistakes. I will be accountable for who I am and what I do and if I need to I will apologize, but I am done trying to be someone I am not.
At a moment of weakness this last week I thought that I was never going to be me. I noticed that lately I keep turning to be something that I'm not. I found myself doubting every decision I have ever made and not willing to stand up for myself. It hit me that I can't force people to see me as me. They either see me for me or they see me for something other then what they want me to be. The fact of the matter is I will always be me.
I am blunt, but not cruel. I am strong, but not tough. I am sarcastic, but not mean. I am me, but not the me you want me to be. I am done apologizing for who I am and the personality that I have. If you don't like it then you don't need to be around it. I don't need to sell myself for others to accept me. The people in my life who are really there see me for who I am and love me for ME!
This also goes towards my love life. I am done trying to sell myself for a guy to see how great I am. I know there is a guy out there for me who will see me for me and think DAMN why has no one snatched this girl. Until then I will hold my head high and keep going.
I will apologize for my mistakes, but not who I am. I will not be someone you think I should, but I will be true to myself. I will take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for the mistake of others. Most importantly I will stick to my core and my values. I will stand up for what is right and not back down. Amidst all that I have experienced I know that I have done my best and given my all.
This hope is key to overcoming everything. It is through this hope that we come closer to our Heavenly Father and back on the path to being our true selves. While we are here we face the natural man. It is the part of us that turns away from our core to one of the world. It seems brighter, stronger, and even worth more, but honestly it darker, weaker, and worth absolutely nothing.
We must decide which we will let be who we are. As the last few weeks have helped me to decide who I am. I am not the person that people say I am. I am not the person who gets so caught up that I miss that point. I am not going to apologize for who I am or be accountable for others mistakes. I will be accountable for who I am and what I do and if I need to I will apologize, but I am done trying to be someone I am not.
At a moment of weakness this last week I thought that I was never going to be me. I noticed that lately I keep turning to be something that I'm not. I found myself doubting every decision I have ever made and not willing to stand up for myself. It hit me that I can't force people to see me as me. They either see me for me or they see me for something other then what they want me to be. The fact of the matter is I will always be me.
I am blunt, but not cruel. I am strong, but not tough. I am sarcastic, but not mean. I am me, but not the me you want me to be. I am done apologizing for who I am and the personality that I have. If you don't like it then you don't need to be around it. I don't need to sell myself for others to accept me. The people in my life who are really there see me for who I am and love me for ME!
This also goes towards my love life. I am done trying to sell myself for a guy to see how great I am. I know there is a guy out there for me who will see me for me and think DAMN why has no one snatched this girl. Until then I will hold my head high and keep going.
I will apologize for my mistakes, but not who I am. I will not be someone you think I should, but I will be true to myself. I will take responsibility for my mistakes, but not for the mistake of others. Most importantly I will stick to my core and my values. I will stand up for what is right and not back down. Amidst all that I have experienced I know that I have done my best and given my all.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My decision
So the last little while I have been debating if I should tell the person that I like them. After recent events I decided no! Besides I got the answer without having to tell him to his face. So I also made an imprtant decision about my future. I am going to push myself to graduate sooner. Hopefully this time next year I will be getting ready to walk. Not only across the stage, but to the next step in my life.
I will be applying for grad school and it will be outside Utah. My dream college is number one and then I have no idea, but I feel strongly it is time for me to leave this place for awhile. Besides in order to be the best social worker and counselor I need to go where I will best be able to benefit my clients.
As far as the other aspects of my life go...I don't know anymore. Life has a way of reminding me what pain feels like so I will just accept it and do what I can to better others lifes. Sorry this isn't one of my more upbeat blogs, but well I just don't feel like being upbeat today. So there are the two biggest decisions. Well three counting that I don't want to fake upbeat!
No I still love and I will be okay, but right now I am pissed and hurt.
I will be applying for grad school and it will be outside Utah. My dream college is number one and then I have no idea, but I feel strongly it is time for me to leave this place for awhile. Besides in order to be the best social worker and counselor I need to go where I will best be able to benefit my clients.
As far as the other aspects of my life go...I don't know anymore. Life has a way of reminding me what pain feels like so I will just accept it and do what I can to better others lifes. Sorry this isn't one of my more upbeat blogs, but well I just don't feel like being upbeat today. So there are the two biggest decisions. Well three counting that I don't want to fake upbeat!
No I still love and I will be okay, but right now I am pissed and hurt.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
YOU
When life gets to overwhelming and I am wondering what to do I stop and sit awhile thinking of you.
I never knew what to do or even if I should say, but all I really wanted was for you to feel the same.
It never seemed realistic and I didn't want to cry, but unfortunately the tears still come falling from my eyes.
Why is my heart this way, why won't it change, why is it that it doesn't seem to be the same with you near.
I don't know how to tell you exactly how I feel please just remember it is because of fear and others along the way.
You'll never know how I feel or what it has done for me just remember it is you who taught me how to believe.
I never knew what to do or even if I should say, but all I really wanted was for you to feel the same.
It never seemed realistic and I didn't want to cry, but unfortunately the tears still come falling from my eyes.
Why is my heart this way, why won't it change, why is it that it doesn't seem to be the same with you near.
I don't know how to tell you exactly how I feel please just remember it is because of fear and others along the way.
You'll never know how I feel or what it has done for me just remember it is you who taught me how to believe.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Idiot to Finding Myself in less then 24 hrs
Alright so I started to write about how big of an idiot I was, but it turned into something more. You see the last little while I have had three experiences that have hurt or left a permanent mark. One was a friend blowing up at me and two were about mislead communication. I wanted to write about how stupid they were and how it was all their fault, but I found myself once again. This time however, I noticed important facts that I had forgotten until now. The first is what love is to me:
Love is a funny thing. Love means to me never having to say your sorry, fighting together not with, seeing someones whole self and knowing there is nothing you would change even if there are flaws, believing that you can let go of the edge because they will always have your hand, and most importantly love is wanting the other person to be happy even if it means without you.
I understand that now because I have truly been blessed to love a few people in my life in such away that was selfless. I could have been happy with three separate guys, two found something better, and one was just not meant to be. I loved them enough to let it go and not hate them for not choosing me.
The second thing is:
You cannot live this life without pain. Without experiencing pain, sorrow, trials, and tribulations you will never experience love, happiness, healing, and blessings. You must have both to truly experience life. Although we want to protect ourselves from pain we actually end up putting ourselves through more. I did this for years. I protected myself, but in the long run I found I caused more damage then good. I am over coming this every day and that is what life is about. Over coming the moments that knock the breath out of us and enjoying the moments that take our breath away!
The third thing is:
No matter what I have been blessed to experience love. True it hasn't always worked out the way that I wanted it to, but I have been lucky to say I have had a chance to love in this life. Yes I am going to be twenty-five and more then anything I want to be married and become a mother. Will this happen? I believe it will, but when I have no idea. But if I look in an eternal perspective I will see how wonderfully lucky I am to have loved and lost then never to experience love at all. Better yet because of this love I am more able and willing to love my friends and family in such away they will never question if I love them or feel as if they have lost my love.
Overall no matter what is happening in my life right now I know it is going to be okay. Yes I can be sad, mad, or ready to kill, but it is but a moment before I realize the greatness of it all. Trials come into your life and it is up to you to decide what to make out of it a heap of crap or a chance to get a little higher off the ground. I feel my heart healing from the recent pain. Although I do not know how easily my heart is ready to try again I do know it will.
Love is a funny thing. Love means to me never having to say your sorry, fighting together not with, seeing someones whole self and knowing there is nothing you would change even if there are flaws, believing that you can let go of the edge because they will always have your hand, and most importantly love is wanting the other person to be happy even if it means without you.
I understand that now because I have truly been blessed to love a few people in my life in such away that was selfless. I could have been happy with three separate guys, two found something better, and one was just not meant to be. I loved them enough to let it go and not hate them for not choosing me.
The second thing is:
You cannot live this life without pain. Without experiencing pain, sorrow, trials, and tribulations you will never experience love, happiness, healing, and blessings. You must have both to truly experience life. Although we want to protect ourselves from pain we actually end up putting ourselves through more. I did this for years. I protected myself, but in the long run I found I caused more damage then good. I am over coming this every day and that is what life is about. Over coming the moments that knock the breath out of us and enjoying the moments that take our breath away!
The third thing is:
No matter what I have been blessed to experience love. True it hasn't always worked out the way that I wanted it to, but I have been lucky to say I have had a chance to love in this life. Yes I am going to be twenty-five and more then anything I want to be married and become a mother. Will this happen? I believe it will, but when I have no idea. But if I look in an eternal perspective I will see how wonderfully lucky I am to have loved and lost then never to experience love at all. Better yet because of this love I am more able and willing to love my friends and family in such away they will never question if I love them or feel as if they have lost my love.
Overall no matter what is happening in my life right now I know it is going to be okay. Yes I can be sad, mad, or ready to kill, but it is but a moment before I realize the greatness of it all. Trials come into your life and it is up to you to decide what to make out of it a heap of crap or a chance to get a little higher off the ground. I feel my heart healing from the recent pain. Although I do not know how easily my heart is ready to try again I do know it will.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Decisions the heart makes
Every now and then we want to make the decisions that are hard, but we back down or flee because that is almost easier. I wonder though is it really easier? Or by doing that do we cause ourselves unnecessary sorrow? I have always ran from my feelings. It is my greatest coping mechanism. It seems the more I try the harder it becomes not to doubt my decision. I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to over come this, but I know that I have made some strides.
Last night as I sat talking to a friend I realized exactly how blessed I am and that for the first time I want to stop running. I have let more people into my life these last six months then I have in my whole lifetime. I trust and love easier. I don’t feel as if I have to be tough. With that said I have come to the conclusion my running is often starts as being tough. The eye opening minute of last night was when I realized what I was doing and what I might loose because of it, but how do I let myself be vulnerable?
Over my lifetime I have only been vulnerable to four guys. Meaning I have only let those three see the truest side of me. One was an amazing friend I grew up with. We were the oddest friends because we would go about two years without seeing each other and yet it seemed like just yesterday we were together. I always trusted his opinion and advice. He would tell me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear and he was always there to pick me up when I was down. He is now married and waiting for a wonderful baby boy to arrive.
The second served the same mission as me. No matter what else was said about me or the attitude I had he was there for me. Knowing the struggles that I was facing he didn’t try to fix them, but he helped me leave them long enough to let them go. When my heart was ripped out of my chest by someone who called me friend he was there. Without being coached or being fed up, he listened to me with love and reminded me of whom I really am. He is engaged now and waiting to be sealed for time and all eternity with the love of his life.
The third I met in my singles ward. Our personalities just seemed to mesh well with each other. He never judged my imperfections and he helped me to see for myself that I deserved better then what I was giving myself. He brought me out of my shell and helped me to make the necessary changes that I needed to better my life and those around me. Even now he brings a smile to my face because he still cares about the pain I am feeling. He is currently dating a wonderfully lucky girl.
The fourth I also met through my singles ward. When he first came to the ward I was taken back, but never thought we would be friends. Over time as I learned more about him I felt that I needed to get to know him better. He has been my Yoda as to understanding how the heart works. We talk about things that leave me thinking for days. I doubt he realizes this or how I feel, but none the less I am better because of him. This scares me. Usually I have great control over who gets to come into my heart, but for him my defenses go down and allow him to walks in. He probably has no idea this occurs or the fact that I can’t lie to him at all. Last night I almost blurted it all out. So why didn’t I? For the first time I am 100% scared that it will break my heart. With the other three I liked them, but it didn’t hurt when I realized it wasn’t meant to be. With him, it honestly would hurt. He leaves in June for a job then possibly to post grad school. This doesn’t faze me at all, but I fear like the other three he will find that special girl and it won’t be me.
I went to bed last night ready to run. I woke up this morning with my head and heart fighting. My head says run, my heart says stay. My head says keep the barriers, my heart says let him in. This decision that I have to make has great potential for happiness and sorrow yet I can’t go either way. Last night I realized something about all four of these wonderful guys…they all have a piece of my heart and no matter what always will. I am glad for the decisions I made and I am eternally happy that I can call them friends. I truly am happy that they all have been blessed to receive joy and happiness, but I am left to wonder when will it be me?
Last night as I sat talking to a friend I realized exactly how blessed I am and that for the first time I want to stop running. I have let more people into my life these last six months then I have in my whole lifetime. I trust and love easier. I don’t feel as if I have to be tough. With that said I have come to the conclusion my running is often starts as being tough. The eye opening minute of last night was when I realized what I was doing and what I might loose because of it, but how do I let myself be vulnerable?
Over my lifetime I have only been vulnerable to four guys. Meaning I have only let those three see the truest side of me. One was an amazing friend I grew up with. We were the oddest friends because we would go about two years without seeing each other and yet it seemed like just yesterday we were together. I always trusted his opinion and advice. He would tell me the truth no matter how hard it was to hear and he was always there to pick me up when I was down. He is now married and waiting for a wonderful baby boy to arrive.
The second served the same mission as me. No matter what else was said about me or the attitude I had he was there for me. Knowing the struggles that I was facing he didn’t try to fix them, but he helped me leave them long enough to let them go. When my heart was ripped out of my chest by someone who called me friend he was there. Without being coached or being fed up, he listened to me with love and reminded me of whom I really am. He is engaged now and waiting to be sealed for time and all eternity with the love of his life.
The third I met in my singles ward. Our personalities just seemed to mesh well with each other. He never judged my imperfections and he helped me to see for myself that I deserved better then what I was giving myself. He brought me out of my shell and helped me to make the necessary changes that I needed to better my life and those around me. Even now he brings a smile to my face because he still cares about the pain I am feeling. He is currently dating a wonderfully lucky girl.
The fourth I also met through my singles ward. When he first came to the ward I was taken back, but never thought we would be friends. Over time as I learned more about him I felt that I needed to get to know him better. He has been my Yoda as to understanding how the heart works. We talk about things that leave me thinking for days. I doubt he realizes this or how I feel, but none the less I am better because of him. This scares me. Usually I have great control over who gets to come into my heart, but for him my defenses go down and allow him to walks in. He probably has no idea this occurs or the fact that I can’t lie to him at all. Last night I almost blurted it all out. So why didn’t I? For the first time I am 100% scared that it will break my heart. With the other three I liked them, but it didn’t hurt when I realized it wasn’t meant to be. With him, it honestly would hurt. He leaves in June for a job then possibly to post grad school. This doesn’t faze me at all, but I fear like the other three he will find that special girl and it won’t be me.
I went to bed last night ready to run. I woke up this morning with my head and heart fighting. My head says run, my heart says stay. My head says keep the barriers, my heart says let him in. This decision that I have to make has great potential for happiness and sorrow yet I can’t go either way. Last night I realized something about all four of these wonderful guys…they all have a piece of my heart and no matter what always will. I am glad for the decisions I made and I am eternally happy that I can call them friends. I truly am happy that they all have been blessed to receive joy and happiness, but I am left to wonder when will it be me?
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tears
Tears are interesting. A single tear can mean so much or so little at the same time. If you are the person crying it could mean an end to one who watches it could be a beginning or vis versa. To one it could mean pain to another joy. A tear of fear or one of hope. An answer to your prayers or the cause of your prayers. It could be a sign of help or a sign to get away. The list can continue and continue and it always will because a person cries so many tears in a life time, but the question is when the moments arose and the tears you saw did you figure what you were meant to do with them?
I know a lot about tears because, more lately then ever, I have had many falling from my eyes. Sometimes they were a sign of help, others were of fear, some because my heart ached so, and others were because I finally found hope. All of them combined make up my life. Each moment where a tear was involved it meant a new chance or a time to be refined.
Right now they flow out of my eyes because of a chipped heart. Sometimes the answers to our prayers aren't really what we wanted, but that is when we must have the faith to keep on trying. One day I will be whole again and be able to look back on the tears and see them differently. For now however they are meant to say an ending to one and a new beginning to another.
I know a lot about tears because, more lately then ever, I have had many falling from my eyes. Sometimes they were a sign of help, others were of fear, some because my heart ached so, and others were because I finally found hope. All of them combined make up my life. Each moment where a tear was involved it meant a new chance or a time to be refined.
Right now they flow out of my eyes because of a chipped heart. Sometimes the answers to our prayers aren't really what we wanted, but that is when we must have the faith to keep on trying. One day I will be whole again and be able to look back on the tears and see them differently. For now however they are meant to say an ending to one and a new beginning to another.
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