Feeling more like ME!!

So the last few weeks have been struggles. Although some people tell me that I need to quit admitting this and be happy I am gonna keep being honest. Struggling does not mean that I am not happy it means that, even I the strong rock, am not constantly strong! It has been interesting to see however that even in the moments I call weak my spirit is still strong.

I also decided, well understood, that I don't need to be perfect. Yes I strive and push myself for perfection, but in this life I will not reach it. I will make mistakes and that is okay because that is what this life is for. I am dealing with aspects of my past that isn't the easiest, but I know without a doubt that now is the time. Along with these trial is the amazing blessing of friends.

For the first time in along time I actually know what it means to have true friends. Not just one or two, but numerous friends that I can count on. They remind me that I am only twenty-four not fifty-nine. It is those moments that help me get through the other trials round about me.

Along with that I remembered how much I love love. Not, well included, is true love, but I am talking about real love. The love you share towards everyone that is unconditional and enduring. The one that is selfless and caring. The one that reminds you of the love the Savior has for you. It seems that Satan tries so hard to get me to forget the power love has, but once again Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ helped me step on his head!!! I am so grateful for that aspect.

I am remembering me as who I am not what I became or who I think I should be. I am finding the me Heavenly Father wants and needs me to see. This is my greatest joy and the best Christmas gift I could recieve this year!!!

Goodbyes

In our lives there are times where we must say goodbye. However, I think we don't have to truly say goodbye, but say I love you and I look forward to the moment when we will reunite. My beloved Grandma died last week. It still hasn't really sunk into my reality, but I know she is gone. The experiences I have had leading up to her passing I will always cherish.

My Grandma and I had a special relationship. My Grandma was a convert to the church because of her decision to join my faith, testimony, and life have been blessed. I remember when I called and told her I was serving a mission the pride that was in her voice. She told me that I would be the first in her family to serve. She hasn't been active in years, but I could feel at that moment her love and support.

When my family and I first moved to Utah my grandma was my pen pal. She would write me letters so I would smile. What a wonderful joy it was for me to receive those letters in the mail. It wasn't until recently that I regret that I didn't carry through with that.

She use to tell me that she was going to spank me. If you knew her you knew she was to frail to carry through. So actually she would try, but it was always from fun and love.

I am addicted to little Debbies because of her. Her fridge was always filled with them. That and her candy dish always had some hard candy.

She was terrified of birds. She watched that scary movie once and from that moment on she was terrified of birds.

She once ran me over. I was walking behind her scooter when she was heading to bed and she put it in reverse and ran over me. The funniest part about it was that she got so mad at me. It didn't hurt, but it was hysterical.

I honestly say that as I look back there was never a dull or bad memory. My Grandma was amazing because she was always a part of everything. When I was eight my Fathers Mother died. I was so dis-hearted because I thought I would never have the "typical" grandparent experience, but really I had it and so much more. As I look back I remember all that I have become because of that unconditional love that she had for me.

For so long I joked about someone having to accept my family and how hard that would be, but as I have reflected this past week I have realized if they don't love my family then they are idiots. My family is amazing. I don't know if I could justly describe each of us other then being a family. There are so many differences that hold and binds us together. I feel that I was an idiot for taking advantage of that for so long.

My life is complete no matter what comes because I have experienced the greatest kind of love. It really doesn't matter that I am not married, dating, etc. what matters is that I have experienced love, laughter, tears, sorrows, trials... in all reality is that I have experienced life! In all that has occurred I have found that to be an important key. Something is always going to try us in this life. That is why we are here, but it is up to us what comes because of it.

I am going to smile because I was blessed to have amazing Grandparents, wonderful Aunts and Uncles, loving parents, caring siblings, inspiring friends, and encounters with others that have shaped me to be me! At the end of the day when all is settled and the baggage is claimed it is up to each of us to determine where we will go from there!

Ugh....

It is always interesting to analyze your own thoughts. To really get in and figure out what and why you think certain ways. Although I sometimes end up wondering more why I think that and prevent myself from thinking it because it conflicts with something else. How do you get to the point where you really know if your thoughts or feelings are true and you are not just preventing yourself from seeing another side or a different answer?

Also what happens when two perspectives don't/can't be seen by the other person? It seems more and more that it is easier to blame another then to accept the differences. Better yet why blame at all? Why can't we just get to the point where we say we understand? Ugh.. I find myself going crazy more and more! It seems the more answers I search for the more questions that I find.

Through out my life I have been blessed to see things and understand them in greater perspectives. Lately however, I find myself more frustrated and confused. It is almost like I am watching myself become someone I don't know...actually it is like I am scared of being someone other then what I think I should be. It sounds odd, but I always had thoughts of what I would be, where I would be, and who I would be with, but now things are complicated. I don't like living in complication, but it seems I put myself into it time and time again.

I think this is all hitting me tonight because I made the decision to allow myself to be free from drama. Meaning that I was going to stop living in it. I am tired of fighting for myself and with myself. I want to live, breath, and have true joy. Sometimes I yearn for it so deeply and I wonder why I won't/can't have it. I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I don't understand what is stopping me now. I fought this on my mission, but I overcame. Now I am struggling again and I can't grasp the "hole" or find the "leak". Guess I have a lot of soul searching and praying to do because there is no other way I know to get an answer.

I'm Done!

As frustrated as I have ever been.
By the fact that it never ends.
You tell me one thing, but do another.
Everything from your mouth makes me wonder.

Why is it okay for you to act like that?
Go ahead and tell me I'm fat.
It doesn't matter any more.
What's that now I am a stupid whore?

Lies, deceit, and confusion
That seems to be your admonition
It's the only way for you to be
Yes pestimistic and mean

I am done you see
Theres no hold left on me
I am saying this now
It isn't worth asking how

I am standing strong on my own
Wait that's not true I am not alone
My truest friend is always here
Taking care of the burdens I bear

So now I can put my hand to the plough
Never looking back or towards the ground
I'm not afraid of being alone
Because truly I will always be
With someone who really loves me!

Another refinement!

"Your the oldest 24 year old that I have ever met!" As I sat pondering on some trials I am facing in my life this was a consistent comment made by others. Do I think that I act older then I am, maybe however I think the real question should be: Am I acting the way I am suppose to be?

Somehow I know that I am meant to be me. Refinement is still taking place every day. Today I realized that I am tired of feeling guilty and taking it up the butt and saying thank you. You see being told I was heartless made me realize that I was casting my pearls to swine. Meaning that I keep giving and giving waiting for someone anyone to recipicate, but more times then not I am left with nothing. Until now!

I am done. I don't give up, but I quit excepting others opinions or judgements of who I am. For so long I think I have allowed those keep me down from who I really am. I think I have used them as an excuse to not believe in my self, but that is over. My gosh how stupid have I been. Instead of excepting and believing the wonderful I doubt. How much clearer can my answers be? It isn't others that I am fighting it is myself.

You see if I was secure and confident in my self nothing else would matter. People could say whatever they wanted and I would be able to walk away. I would stop feeling like I have to defend myself and prove that I am a good person. There it is further refinement. I guess I am that stubborn. Father I am sorry.

I keep waiting for someone to be there, comfort me, love me, etc., but how can I expect it when I am not even doing it for myself? There it is. I am ashamed of who I am. In the since of I find that I am not as good as everyone else, but really that is so not true.

I am an amazing person. I have a wonderful love for life. I see things in a bigger perspective. I have an amazing ability to love regardless of differences or past experiences. I am somone of strong faith with a close relationship to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have a great capacity to learn and push myself when I need to. I have the power to influence others and make a difference in this life. Am I being boastful? No I am just being honest and allowing myself to see the good rather then the bad.

I am finished. I am good enough and I refuse too not allow myself to believe that. I asked for a miracle and here it is. A change of heart towards myself. Why is it easier to forgive and love another then ourselves. It's funny. I haven't ever really done anything awful, but I think I need to forgive myself for not being there for myself.

To some that might sound funny, but really I do. For so long I have been there for everyone. I love being there for others don't get me wrong, but now I need to realize I need to be there for myself first. Because if I don't have my back who will? I am grateful for my miracle. I am grateful that my Father loves me and I am grateful that He never stops refining me.

NOT GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN!!!!

Alright so I have tried to get past something for two/three days now. It hasn't really worked so I thought I was going to let it out one last time and then let go. I find it so interesting how people tell you they love you or how amazing you are before they rip you down. Haven't we evolved enough by now to know better. Obvioulsy after the experience I had not everyone has gotten the clue.

On Sunday I enjoyed dinner and conversation with some friends, or what I thought were friends, from my ward. As the coversation went on there was a change where I was forced to defend myself against the aligations presented before me. You see I was told I was brash, blunt, uncompassionate, take things personal, and pretty much that I needed to conform. Anyone who knows me knows first and far most that I am my own person. I refuse to be someone or something I'm not. I don't ask others to do that for me so I would expect the same in return. After about forty-five minutes of this I made up some excuse so I could find refuge from this storm.

After talking to a wonderful friend and my mother I was able to get past it the next morning. Well I guess I needed more trial or needed to be further tested because later that night I was told I was heartless and there was a giant black hole where my heart should be. I tried to shake it, but I can honestly say I was broken. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and casted it aside like it was nothing. After leaving what should have been a safe place I came home and sobbed. Yes me as strong as I am sobbed. For the first time in my life I felt like someone had completely and utterly destroyed my spirit and heart.

Thankfully again there were angels to rescue my heart and help me to get past it. Now that I am whole and strong again I am going to fight with my words and then walk away from this. You see if you know me then you know that I have an amazing heart. I would bend over backwards for anyone. I am not perfect as I have admitted time and time again in this blog, but I am striving the best that I can. You see we all see things in life differently. There isn't just black and white there are so many colors to choose from.

I grew up in a wonderful family. My family is diverse and has been through so much. The best part of this was that I was born to goodly parents. My parents knew how important it is to be our own individuals and to give our complete selves. I was raised to speak my mind, heart, and question what didn't seem to fit. I learned to except people for who they were and not try to change them. My sisters taught me to fight not just physically, but fight for those I love, those who can't fight for themselves, my beliefs, and most importantly fight for myself. My brother taught me when you get knocked down to jump back up and continue to be true to yourself.

Over the years I have stopped fighting for myself. Everything else I have stood strong and done. Am I perfect in all I do no, but I am working on it. That is what we are suppose to do in this life is work to be the best we can and help those along the way. I am not like alot of people and I am done apologizing for that. I am a unique chosen daughter of my Heavenly Father and I am no longer deny my great worth.

You see this didn't really break me it made me stronger because I realized how charitable, loving, and compassionate I truly am. At times I talk tough or am a little cut throat, but to some that is what I am needed to be and to others that is a sign of you've crossed a line. If you know me you know the real me, but if you don't know me then you will see me as a heartless bitch.

Well to you who don't know me and are quick to assume. You see I grew up in away that I won't be ashamed. I will fight when I need to fight and I will be who I am meant to be. If you don't like it then step off and keep your judgements to yourself. Because you see I know who ultimately judges me and you aren't Him nor are you acting like Him if you are. I am not going to change anyones opinion or am going to be liked by everyone. I'll say it again I am not perfect, but I am working on my flaws. If you love me then love me for who I am and understand I am doing the same.

To the person/people involved from the other nights. I am not mad nor do I hate you, but realize it will never be the same. All the trust or confidence I had in you is gone. Yes I love you, but right now I don't like any of you. You know who you are and I am not going to name names. I am not heartless for writing this I am just done putting up with it. You have the right to your opinions on personalities or situations, but your opinions of me should just stop.

So that is it and now I walk away.

To my angels you know who you are and I know that my Father blessed me with you in my life. Thank you for being there for me when I truly needed a friend. I know in my life I have been blessed to have amazing friends who are always there and who have touched my life for the better. My blessings are greater then any trial or struggle that I will have to face because I know that I am embraced by my Father.

Refining Time

Life has a way with changing more often then wanted. All we can do is do what we think is right. I know one day I will be held accountable for everything that I have done, said, or thought. I can't change the past and actually I wouldn't. I made mistakes and there were things that I haven't been proud of, but I have learned and repented. I refuse to go through this life with any regret.

So I know that seems a little weird to start a blog with, but I just need to vent/let go. I had to do something hard this week. I hadn't planned it or thought about it until it happened. When all factors hit me all at once I had to make a decision. In the process it upset, maybe hurt, another person. For that I am sorry, but for my decision I'm not.

I've noticed that along the process of trying to figure out my life I have lost parts of who I am. I let standards go, changed my personality, and put myself, for the most part, on the back burner. By doing this my life became harder and not my own. I've decided enough is enough and to refine(change) my life and who I am.

I love being happy. It is an amazing feeling to have true joy and peace in your life. When you are feeling guilt for feeling joy and peace something isn't right. Honestly that is what I have been feeling for a while. It didn't help that the happier I got the more it seemed to be a bother to others or where it seemed to distant me from who I once was or where I once belonged

I don't blame anyone for it. It's my life and I take complete responsibility for it. For so long however I have feared my life changing, I haven't wanted to truly let myself be happy or who I know I am, but that was then and this is now. I am going to be me. If that means that things aren't going to be the same. Then that is what will have to be.

This change isn't new. I have been being refined since my mission. Now it is just up to me to follow through on what was started. So why write this? This blog is to show the things that make me me and this is one of them. I am open and honest with how I feel and this is what I feel. It isn't me blaming or saying something about anyone. It is about me making the decision to allow the refining to be part of my life.

Truth

Ok so here is the truth. I am struggling. I am facing trials and tribulations that I pray everyday to make through. I am not perfect nor will I ever claim to be, but I am still a daughter of a Loving Heavenly Father who knows me better then anyone else. He knows my trials, pains, sorrows, weaknesses, and flaws, but He has a perfect love for me because He knows that I am trying. I am not asked to be perfect because lets face it that is impossible for me to do, but I am asked to try and endure to the end. That is all that any of us our asked to do.

I know that people think that I am tough, but sometimes no matter how tough you are or how hard you try to let things roll off it still hurts. It is okay that it hurts because I am only human. I know I choose to be offended, but I don't choose to have people say those things. I can change peoples views on me even though sometimes I try. Their judgement is made and the verdict is casted, but sometimes I wonder if it is just because I am different.

My differences are what make me me! Sarcastic, blunt, honest, hard working, loud, and any other category I fit into. I am not ashamed of who I am because I know who I am. I know what I am working on and I choose to strive to be a better person everyday. It doesn't mean that I won't mess up, but it does mean that when I do mess up I try harder. I am not saying I am better then anyone because I am not, but I will be DARNED if I am any WORSE!

I just say this because my heart is hurt. These last few weeks quite a few people have hurt it with their actions and words. I can't be the person you want or expect me to be I can only be me. It is the same as you. I can't ask you to be anything other then who you are. Does it mean that I am going to like everyone? No, but it does mean that I am going to embrace the differences and be ok. Yeah I am hurt right now, but the truth is give me a little time and I will be fine. Just remember that we are made to be different and although you can be upset with me or dislike me if you choose please just don't tear me down and I promise not to tear you down.

Joy

It amazes me how it is the little things in life that truly bring us joy. It isn't really the big moments, but all the small moments leading up to the big one that make a difference in our lives. As I have watched my life and others who are near to my heart experience these, greater gratitude has encompassed my heart.

We all know the typical land marks we all wait for in our lives. High School and graduation, turning eighteen and twenty-one, dating, college and graduation, marriage, owning our own homes, becoming parents, becoming grandparents, etc. These moments are the big moments in our lives, but what about the small moments. Heart breaks, homework and dances, hanging out with friends, the years inbetween the birthdays, etc. These small moments are what prepares us for the big moments.

I love the counsel that President Monson gave in the October conference. "This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."

Seeing the little moments is what does bring us joy. It is how hard we had to work or what we experienced leading to the big moments. I know I sound like I am repeating, but I have come to see that when I miss all the little moments I find myself sad. However, when I see the little moments and blessings as part of my journey I find the joy I long for. Joy isn't just the happy big moments, but it is every aspect of our lives. It is what helps us to see who we are and what we are becoming. It isn't the big moments that define us it is how we handle all the small moments and what we do with the trials that come.

My heart is full of love and gratitude. All the stupid things that I focus negatively on just don't matter anymore. I am going to take the counsel of President Monson and find my joy in the journey now so when the big moments come my joy will be even fuller!!

I'm Movin' On

There comes a time in everyones life where they decide enough is enough in certain circumstances. We can't wait for other people to change to become what we want or need them to be, but we can change our hearts and see past the haze. Life has been hard these last few months. Harder then I thought they should be or then I could handle, but I was wrong. These last few months were exactly what I needed to find me again.

We all start out with good intentions and wanting to find others to help us grow. If we aren't careful we end up shrinking or becoming a completely other person. No one intends to become negative, dark, or ornery, but it is something that happens over a span of time. This happened to me and the harder I thought to fight the more it engolfed me. I can't blame anyone else for the decisions I have made in my life or what I became because I chose to.

We all choose how we react or what we let into our lives. Yes it is difficult to keep certain things out, but really we can as long as we try. I am grateful for the LDS mission that I served because it was there that I say what I had become and who I really was. A friend of mine recently wrote a paper about this exact subject. We loose who we were and become someone different without really noticing it until it is brought to our attention or it is to late. She compared us changing to a frog being boiled. If you put the frog in hot water right of he is going to jump out of the pot, but if you put him in cold water and gradually warm it to the boil he will die. That is how we are in our lives. We can put off sin especially "big" sins, but if we aren't careful all the "small" sins make us comfortable to the point we don't see the moment where we become "cooked".

Even if we jump out of the pot before we are completely "cooked" we still have the memories and the regrets. Sometimes other "frogs" are trying to talk us back into the pot because they are still not seeing what is going on. We have to make the decision for ourselves what we want to do. We have to slowly move on and find who we truly are.

I love the Rascal Flatts song "I'm movin' on". We will all face this truth that we need to let go of the past regrets, pain, sins, sorrow, etc. so we can move on to become who we are. We can hang on to things and end up holding ourselves back, but once we decide to let go we move on. My life has a past I don't regret it or look back on it with any negavitivity. My life has a present that I want to live in. My life also has a future and I am going to wait patiently for it to come.

The Power of I LOVE YOU!!!!!

So this weekend brought sad news. Two people that I had met on my mission returned to their Heavenly Father. Both were unexpected and tragic losses. As I have reflected back on this I thought about others in my life and I wondered if I have told them how I feel about them. We truly don't know how long others or ourselves have on this earth so shouldn't we tell them everyday? I think the biggest regret are the words we wanted to say, but we didn't.

There is so much power in the statement I love you. When someone is down it can and will lift their spirits. If they feel alone it will help them to feel someone else by their side. It dries tears and sometimes creates them. It is the greatest way to over come hate. Love is what gives us hope admist our deepest darkness.

I am grateful for the experiences that I have had with love. Family, friends, and strangers have all shown me love and I am better because of it. It is what I clinge to in my hardest moments and what I cherish every moment and chance I get. I still remember the moment that I realized that love is more then just words, but still needs to be spoken. I was talking with my Mission President and I told him how much I loved the Elders I was serving around. He looked at me and smiled then we talked about how they wouldn't be able to know exactly how much I loved them because of all they did for me. It was also the same reversed. I wouldn't ever know fully how much they loved and appreciated me. I reflected back on my mission, kept it in mind through the remainder of my mission, and even use it now. Sometimes we love others so much and they need to hear the words, but they will also remember the actions that showed them how deep the love went.

Love can move mountains, create a home, save a life, and heal a broken heart. It is why we were brought to this earth and how we will return to our Heavenly home. It is something so powerful that we should share it with everyone that we have in our lives. So today and everyday let those who are in your heart know exactly how you feel because what were to happen if they weren't there tomorrow? Would they know? Could you live with not knowing if they did? I know I couldn't and so that is why I won't take love for granted anymore. If you are reading this know that I love you and am grateful for everything you have done for me in my life!!

So as I sat in my office this morning my attention was brought to our current status in America. I know that things are rough and not going as we all would like it to, but I find myself surprisingly at peace. I am not naive about everything going on I am just holding on to the promises that Heavenly Father has made. Prophesy has been given of our day and time. We know that things were going to get rough. We are being prepared for the Second Coming so why fear?

We have been given the tools to get through these rough times, but it is us who have chosen to ignore or to procrastinate that counsel. We are told to stay out of debt, have a food storage, get an education, pay our tithes, and live worthy of the covenants we have made. If we are working on or having these with a sincere heart the Lord knows and will help us. It doesn't mean life won't be hard or have its trials. Oppostion in all things, but it means that we will have the reassurance and strength to get through the task at hand.

I know I am not perfect and ready for the things at hand, but I am putting forth the effort and trying to get there. That is what we are asked to do. We just need to follow the counsel we are given even when we don't fully understand why. If we do the things that just seem so simple, like bath in the Jordan River, we will be okay and we will be prepared for whatever is next.

Time and Time again!

I love the little reminders in our lives. The reminders of why we are here, who we are, and where we ultimately want to end up. Last week I was able to talk to a really good friend of mine and I was so grateful for the added insight that she gave me.

We first discussed our first common trial, being single. It isn't bad that we are single both of us are actually enjoying it, but still deep inside we want to experience marriage. Like so many of us are told that our future companions are being prepared. Sometimes we just see it as there are things they need to do before they get to us, but she put a twist on it. Both of us have a unique talent that is sometimes overwhelming. We are special, chosen, unique, and precious daughters of our Heavenly Father. He knows what we need and since we are so special then He wants to make sure that our future husbands can be that for us. This goes on both ends the ones we will marry are also special, unique, and chosen sons of our Heavenly Father. We need to be prepared for them as well. This will make it so together we will be able to do the Lords work completely.

Second we talked about being grateful for our gifts and talents. Sometimes they seem so overwhelming and we wonder why me, but when we stop and really look at it we should be saying "THANK YOU!!!" I have thought about this the last few days and I can feel a new understanding. Heavenly Father trusts me so much that He has made it so His other children feel comfortable and safe in confiding in me. Not only that, but I can usually help them understand or see the answer that was there. Then from the things I am learning from others or helping them with now will help others in the future. That is something to be grateful for and feel blessed about.

Third we talked about not second guessing ourselves. We know how the Spirit speaks to us and so we need to listen to it. Even when others might say we are paranoid, naive, or being stupid we need to realize and take a stand for what we know. She laughed at me and called me soft because I started to loose the confidence I have had in my "gut". It was an eye opening experience that twice in the time we were talking I knew we needed to move, but it wasn't until she said something that I would agree and say I felt it too.

Throughout the conversation and as I have thought back to it in the time since I realize how cunning Satan really is. He wants us to feel alone, overwhelmed, and to have us put ourselves in compromising circumstances, but no matter how much he tries it is up to us. For everything that Satan throws at us there is something stronger shielding us. We can decide how we take the trials in our lives. We can choose to be miserable or we can choose to be happy. If we listen and ask for the help to overcome it will come. I have witnessed this time and time again. I am again so grateful for my Heavenly Father and the fact that He knows me completely. I am grateful for who I am and the chances that I have to be refined.

So the last couple of weeks have been difficult, but I wouldn't change anything about them. I was finally able to truly count the blessings in my life and see things from a better perspective. You see lately it has been easier to see the things that I don't have so I end up missing the wonderful things that I do have. I also had garbage once again fill my head ie fear, doubt, loneliness, and anger, but now it is cleared with joy!

This life is for JOY!!! That doesn't mean that it is going to be perfect or easy by our humanly standards, but it does mean at the end we will have greater joy then we ever expected. Isn't that wonderful and shouldn't that be enough to carry us through our weak human moments? Well I have decided for me it is going to be enough.

A great person once told me it is easier for me to choose misery then happiness. At the time I wanted nothing more then to punch him, but I didn't. As I reflected on this the next few days I decided it was because I was scared of being happy for myself. I didn't know how to truly be happy, but as times has past I have realized I don't know how to be anything but happy. Yes I did break down, but I realized I did because I was once again afraid for my happiness.

I don't know how to be depressed. I know how to get upset with myself for doubt and fear, but I don't let that overcome my life. Giving myself a day or two to recover is more then enough. Not only that, but now I know how to ask for the help that I need to make it through. I am so grateful for those who listen to the promptings of the Spirit and who genuinely care and love me. The fact that my Heavenly Father truly loves me enough to give me angels to help when I am falling and comfort to handle all that I need to do are the things that help me rejoice and smile! Life is to be enjoyed not just suffered through.

I have no other choice!

So the last couple of weeks I have been feeling overwhelmed. I guess surprise surprise when you do everything that I do. Well on Wednesday everything seem to come to a head and left me feeling so weak and inadequate. I went to a beautiful wedding on Friday which lifted my spirit, but then had to come back to the drama and trials at hand. So Saturday I did what any grown up girl would do I ran away to my parents house. Granted I did do somethings that I needed to do, but mostly I just ran away. I performed my obligations at work, but then I ran away again and this time I didn't answer my phone.



I talked to my mom about what I was going through and like always she helped me see it from another perspective. I went to bed feeling a little bit better, but anxious for the following day. Sunday I woke up and hurriedly got dressed to go to stake conference where Elder Holland was speaking. After finding a seat I looked up and saw one of the apostles of the Lord and I felt my heart leap. It was amazing how just being in the same room as an apostle that I felt comfort with everthing that I am facing.



As I listened to the differnt speakers I felt a deep conformation that everything that I am going through right now I am going through for a reason. Part is for me to grow and gain greater knowledge, but more is so that I can help other people through their trials. When Elder Holland stood to speak I prayed in my heart that I would be able to recieve greater counsel.



He began by sharing a story of President Hinkley. When Pres. Hinkley was firsted diagnosed with cancer he told the twelve in their temple meeting. He told them it was a big deal and he didn't want pity or for it to be talked about. A week later he came back to the same meeting this time telling the brethern that he was going to do kimo and radiation. Since Pres. Hinkley was 95 everyone questioned his decision. His answer to this was that he didn't have a choice. To many people were praying for him so he needed to do all that he could do. Elder Holland continued to show how Pres. Hinkley no matter what he faced did all that he could because he had no other choice, but do whatever it was that the Lord wanted him to do.



Elder Holland then said that he personally leaves his family and does his calling because this isn't a joke and that it is true. I received my first answer. Through everything that is going on in my life this has been a question on my mind: "Why can't I just give up?" It isn't an option for me. I don't have the option not to keep going or to fight. Why don't I have this option? Because I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church. Since I know this there is no option for me not to do what I know that Lord needs me to do. I know that through everything I am only given the trials that I can handle and that I can overcome.



Elder Holland then asked the youth to pay their moral tithing and give him ten years. He wants the ten years from 12-22. He said this is the age that we make all our big decisions so if we gave it to the Lord we would be okay. He then talked about how the reason why the presidency of the church is fighting so hard is because they take it personal when they loose a youth. It was amazing the love you felt as he spoke. He also counseled parents on how to help the youth.



At the end of his talk Elder Holland made a comment for those who are single (I am not going to lie I felt this was for me). That Heavenly Father knows that we desire to be married and if for some reason it doesn't happen then that is okay. That He is waiting to bless us and while we are waiting that the Lords arms of mercy are stretched out for us to be engulfed in. He also said though we might feel alone there are angels around us helping us.



What joy filled my heart!!! I was able to understand more about me and finally hear what Heavenly Father has been trying to tell me through all my trials. I don't have a choice other then to be me. This means I can't stop fighting and that He needs me to keep fighting. Fighting for truth, love, and friends. I know I can do this and I know this was the choice that I made so long ago. I am so thankful for this knowledge and for the blessings yet to come to my life.

I AM SORRY!

So I woke up from a semi peaceful nights rest. Only to discover a sick feeling that I needed to call or text my ex. I am unsure if it is because of my dream last night or if I really need to call him. I have felt bad since I broke up with him because it was me who decided to end the relationship. So since I can't bring myself to text him I figured I would apologize and explain.



Ex~

I am sorry things didn't work out the way we thought they would. I don't regret anything or anytime we spent together. Truth is I cherish it because it was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced. You always treated me wonderfully and dealt with whatever drama seemed to follow me. You let me be me and you tried to be there for me. The relationship we had was good, but somewhere along the line it was made clear that it wasn't meant to be. Differences in personalities, growing up, ideas, and dreams. It wasn't just you and it wasn't just me it just wasn't suppose to be.

I didn't mean or want to break your heart. I hope you know that night it ended that I felt a part of my heart die. I never lied about loving you. I did and still do love you! It just isn't enough or the right kind of love to be together. I know you tried talking to me afterwards and I really wanted to stay friends, but I felt if I cut myself out maybe it would be easier for you to move on. You told me that you were sorry and you tried to talk to me, but I tried to blow it off for that I am sorry the most.

I ask now for your forgiveness. Please forgive me for the pain that I may have caused, the confusion, and for leaving you when I said I would be there. You deserve to hate me or never forgive me, but I just wanted to tell you the things I couldn't tell you or try to explain. I pray that you get the true happiness you deserve. You are amazing and I hope a lucky girl finds you.





I don't know if he will ever get to know, but I truly feel that it is better for me to be out of his life then in. It was an amazing relationship. I learned things about myself and others for that I will always be grateful. A couple days ago a person told me that sometimes the things we think should come together and don't are for the best. I truly believe this. People come into our lives for a reason and sometimes they leave for a reason as well. I am grateful for the things that don't work out the way that I thought they should because I have been blessed more and received things I never imagioned.

Oh Bother.....

So I dislocated my knee again. This makes it two on the right knee. I had surgery and yet it still went out. I think the way it was pushed is the reason why it went out. It seems that I forget that I am human. I push myself in everything I do to the limits and just know that I can do it because I know who is helping me. This is fine, but then a trial like this happens and I don't know why. Is it a test of strength? endurance? faith? patience? or is it to remind me that I am human? I really have tried to stop asking why in my life when things don't seem to go the way I want them to, but yet it is there this time.

There are quite a few things that have been hitting me recently and I am torn. Part of me has pride or is jealous where the other part is relying on the Lords timing. I truly am trying to have the faith, but I can't get my head and my heart to agree on anything. How is it that we come to have both head and heart agree? It use to be easy, but the more I try the harder it is. Maybe thats the answer to quit trying and just do it. Maybe that is what the Lord is trying to get me to understand is just rely on Him and do what I can. It sounds so easy yet I am struggling with it. The more I think about it the more I see His reassurance. I guess recently I have been too head strong to see His hand and reassurance in the desires of my heart. I keep thinking if I only did more, if I could get it to go this way, or maybe if I changed, but Heavenly Father is telling me I am fine. That I am doing what He needs me to do and that blessings are coming I just need to hold on to my faith.

Wow I think my Heart and my Head finally agreed. It amazes me how just writing something out or talking about it things click. Sometimes I just need to get out of my head. I sometimes forget to enjoy life not just live it. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and that He never gives up on me. I am even thankful for the trials that I am having because they center me and put me back where I need to be!

Everyone else was doing it!!!

So many of my friends have started blogs and so I decided why not. Maybe it will be easier to keep people up to date and my life might seem to be more exciting.